dedicated to Ashley
In early 2010 I got married – something I never thought I’d do. Shortly thereafter we began thinking about having a baby – another thing I never thought I’d do. I was always of the opinion that babies were nothing more than parasites that, once expelled from the body, were only good for oozing copious amounts of fluids from each and every orifice. Needless to say, I was more than a little shocked when the urge to spawn arose. But then I began to realize something. I began to realize that, once pregnant, a strange phenomenon would begin to occur. People, both friends, loved ones and (most horrifying of all) complete strangers, would start touching my stomach without my permission. Oh hell no.
I don’t know about you, but I’m really big on my privacy as well as my personal space. If you plan on touching me and are not related to me or a VERY close friend I strongly suggest you reconsider. The fact that people so thoughtlessly assume that, once pregnant, your stomach enters the public domain and is free to be fondled and rubbed has caused me to create, in the event I should ever actually conceive, a pregnancy plan of action, which I will now share with you. Feel free to use it or build upon it should you ever find yourself in need.
The Plan:
The second, and I mean the second you see someone approaching with that glazed over smile and their hand extended toward you proceed with the following:
1) Furrow your brow and snarl. Be sure to make direct eye contact. Growl and bare your teeth if necessary. If this does not deter the interloper proceed to 2.
2) Take a fly swatter, ruler or similar non-lethal weapon of choice from your bag. As the unwanted hand approaches striking distance, swat it. I promise this will stop them dead in their tracks. Point successfully made. Be forewarned: this technically constitutes assault. Use this tactic at your own risk. If you aren’t comfortable with having criminal charges pressed against you then proceed to 3.
3) Having unsuccessfully thwarted their approach you are left with one option: “humiliation annihilation.” When the person rudely places their hand on your belly begin by giving them a confused looked. When they inevitably ask “Awwww. When are you due?” look at them with horror and disgust as you inform them “I’m not pregnant.” *pause for dramatic effect* That’s a tumor.” Should they be so bold as to counter with “but I felt the baby kick,” inform them it was gas. Although this tactic does not prevent you from being accosted by the Nosey Nelly it will, undoubtedly, teach them a lesson. They will think twice before they ever put their hands on a stranger’s stomach again. Cross my heart.
Of course, I suppose you could always just turn around , walk away, or just ask not to be touched…but where’s the fun in that? *wink*
Kisses & Chaos,
Alli Woods Frederick
