How To Instantly Make The World A Better Place

 

EVERYONE talks a big talk about the state of the world and how it should be a better place with greener grass and less traffic and more kindness, but how many people actually do something about it?

I know it seems big and complicated and an overwhelmingly large bite to chew, but it really is quite simple.

There’s one thing, one little tiny thing that, if everyone on the entire planet would make the conscious effort to do, it would change everything and flip the world on its head.  One little thing and it’s not even a secret.  It’s so obvious, it’s laughable.  So what does everyone need to do?

 
 

HOW TO INSTANTLY MAKE THE WORLD A BETTER PLACE…

How To Instantly Make The World A Better Place


 

And there you have it.  It’s that easy.  If you’re having a bad day, have it…just don’t be a dick to other people.

It spreads like a contagion, you know, dickheadedness.  It starts with one person honking in traffic because they’re late to work because their kid threw up on their shoes as they were walking out the door and it snowballs from there.  The person being honked at acts like dick to someone who acts like a dick to someone who acts like a dick to someone and on and on it goes – a perpetual cycle of dickheadedness, like an M.C. Escher drawing gone wrong…and all because the person honking acted like a dick.

So if you want to make the world a better place, don’t be a dick. If you see someone being a dick, let it go and consciously choose not to spread the disease.

And that is how to instantly make the world a better place.  See.  It’s much easier to change the world than people want to pretend it is.

No go forth and be awesome.

 
 

Kisses & Chaos,
Alli Woods Frederick

 
 

PS – MY DEAR HEARTS, I KNOW YOU’RE ALL AWESOME AND AREN’T DICKS.  THIS IS A GENERAL STATEMENT DIRECTED TOWARDS THE GENERAL POPULATION OF THE WORLD, NOT ANY OF YOU, MY DARLING DEAR MEMBERS OF THE KISSES & CHAOS FAMILY.  YOU ARE AWESOME.  SO HELP ME SPREAD THE WORD AND LET’S GET THIS SH*T DONE, SHALL WE?  DOWN WITH DICKHEADS!  UP WITH LOVE!

 
 

IMAGE  ::  SOURCE UNKNOWN (IF YOU KNOW WHO CREATED THIS BRILLIANCE PLEASE LET ME KNOW SO I CAN GIVE THE CREDIT FOR THEIR AWESOMENESS THAT THEY DESERVE.  ::

 

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5 Things Hollywood Always F’s Up

 

HOLLYWOOD.  The land of big dreams, big personalities and big fat historical mistakes that are so deeply engrained in the incestuous industry that is film-making that no one bats an eye at these ridiculous errors.  Personally?  They drive me f’ing crazy and I’m putting my foot down.

How these bizarre film fallacies started, I have no idea (well a couple of them I actually do).  But why they’ve been perpetuated is even more puzzling.  So what are these crimes of film that piss me off so royally?  Well, I’ll tell you.  Here are the…

 
 

5 THINGS HOLLYWOOD ALWAYS F’S UP


 
 

1)  PUNK’S NOT DEAD AND NEITHER IS ARAMAIC

5 Things Hollywood Always F’s Up


 

Just about every mystery, thriller or paranormal film with a religious theme that makes biblical references (often in connection to either possession or the stigmata) has a bewildered character that makes the same stunned observation:

 

“It can’t be…he’s…he’s speaking Aramaic – the language of Christ.  But…I…  It’s a dead language.  How…I…Aramaic?…It’s impossible.”

 

Actually, no it’s not.  Aramaic isn’t a dead language, Hollywood.  Sure it’s old…really old…like well over 3000 years old, but it’s not dead.  It’s still spoken by several different groups of people but is most common among Assyrians, who still teach it in schools.

 

5 Things Hollywood Always F’s Up


 

That’s right.  Aramaic is still spoken – by more than 400,000 people in fact.  While it is, admittedly, an endangered language it is still very much alive and kicking.

Sorry, Hollywood.  I know you loved to use this to create a sense of mystery and intrigue but it’s time to let it go.  Find a new crutch.  I know creativity has been challenging for you lately (what with all the shitty reboots of reboots you’ve been doing) but you need to try to come up with a new idea or two.

 
 

2)  WAIT!  WAIT!  DON’T HANG UP!

jason bourne call trace


 

Oh, this is a popular one.  From film to TV (even my beloved X-Files fell victim), the 60 second phone trace is used as a cheap ploy to create a sense drama, heighten tension and create urgency.

 

“We’ve almost got him.  10 more seconds.  Keep him talking!” *click*  “Damn it.  We lost him.”

 

Does this ploy succeed in ratcheting up the tension?  Meh.  Sometimes.  Does it really take 60 seconds to trace a phone call?  Nope…at least it hasn’t for the past several decades.

Sure, in the 70’s (and earlier) during the predigital age it took longer to trace the call because they had to do just that – trace the call from switchboard to switchboard.

But now?  They can trace a call instantly.  The second a call is placed the police know where the call is coming from.

We’ve lived in the digital age long enough that this gimmick is just laughable.  Time to let it die along with the helpless victim that was abducted by the psychopathic caller who just wants to taunt the hero before he commits his atrocity and buries what’s left of the body in his basement.

 
 

3)  THE ANCIENT ROMANS AND GREEKS MUST HAVE BEEN REALLY, REALLY CLEAN

5 Things Hollywood Always F’s Up


 

*Sigh*  Have you ever bothered to read a history book, Hollywood?  Do you have a research department?  I’m guessing not.  If you did you’d inject a little color into your period pieces, specifically ones set in ancient Rome and Greece.

Hollywood always shows us beautiful, spectacular sprawling cities of ancient Greece and Rome with white pillars and statues of deities as far as the eye can see.  White buildings nestled against one another from one side of town to the other with nary a drop of color to be found on any façade.

 

archer-and-parthenon


 

The fact is, that ancient Romans and Greeks painted the crap out of their buildings and statues.  That’s right.  They used color inside and out.   The belief that they built pristine, white marble cityscapes comes to us largely from the Renaissance.

16th century artists unwittingly encouraged this myth based on sculptures that had been stripped of their color by the ravages of time.  It was further reinforced during the 18th century by a “renowned” archaeologist/art historian who intentionally removed what paint remained on sculptures because he preferred the pure white.

Not sure about a Technicolor ancient Greece , Hollywood?  Then check out the painstaking research and reconstructive work of German archaeologist Vinzenz Brinkmann.  His work shows the truth in all its bright and colorful glory.

And while we’re on the subject of ancient Rome and Greece…

 
 

4)  WOULD YOU LIKE A SPOT OF TEA, CAESAR?

5 Things Hollywood Always F’s Up


 

Why the hell does everyone in every film set in ancient Rome or Greece speak with a British accent?  I don’t even know what to say about this one besides WTF.  Seriously.  I’m at a loss.  Just…WTF.

WTF.

 
 

5)  HAIR TODAY, GONE TOMORROW

5 Things Hollywood Always F’s Up


 

I hate to break it to you, Hollywood, but there were no Venus Gillette razors in England in 1528.

While some women of the period (and earlier…much, much earlier) did remove their body hair (a practice widely seen in the Middle East and Northern Africa) it was unheard of in Europe.

Shaving didn’t become popular among women in Great Britain (and America…though that’s not really relevant to my point) until the early 1900’s.

So why do you constantly show us medieval European women (typically in various states of undress, but that’s another soapbox entirely)  who are miraculously body hair-free, Hollywood?

If you’re selling me a slice of history served up on a screen, then I want to be transported not blatantly lied to.  Male actors gain and lose weight and alter their appearances in “unattractive” ways for roles all the time, so why can’t you tell an actress not to shave for a part?

 

5 Things Hollywood Always F’s Up


 

I guess you’re worried those racy sex scenes in The Tudors might be less appealing to audiences if they showed women in all their hairy glory, as they truly would have been during the reign of Henry VIII.  Imagine those stems with thick brown hair.  That’s how it would have been.  Fact.

 

We all have our pet peeves.

Surely I can’t be the only one who finds these (and other) inaccuracies in films annoying.  Do any of you have movie-related hang-ups?  A thing that will instantly spoil a film for you?  (Besides people talking or leaving their phones on in the theater, of course.)  Share your movie miffs in the comments below (so I don’t feel completely bananas and anal retentive).

Oh, and Hollywood…knock it off already.  Thanks in advance.

 
 

Kisses & Chaos,
Alli Woods Frederick

 
 

IMAGES  ::  VIA FILM JAM  ::  FIGHT CLUB  ::  ARTIST UNKNOWN  ::  STIGMATA  ::  THE BOURNE IDENTITY  ::  GLADIATOR  ::  VIA THE SMITHSONIAN  ::  300  ::  KING ARTHUR  ::  THE TUDORS  ::

 

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**THIS POST CONTAINS AFFILIATE LINKS, AND I WILL BE COMPENSATED IF YOU MAKE A PURCHASE AFTER CLICKING ON MY LINKS.**

 

The Bride Wore Black

 

AS a wedding photographer I have the start of wedding season timed out almost down to the second, so when I say wedding season is almost upon us, I mean it.  And wedding season means there are lots of ladies looking for the perfect dress and accessories for their big day.  But what if your tastes lean more towards the adorably eccentric, theatrical or dark and dramatic?  What if your taste is so far outside the box you can’t even see the box from where you’re standing?

 

jeff-and-lindsay-american-gothic-carn-evil-alli-woods-frederick


 

I don’t know about you, but if you’re anything like me finding something you love at the mall simply isn’t going to happen.  The shoes of your dreams aren’t hanging out across from the food court and your dress isn’t hanging on a mannequin in a bridal chain store.

So for those of you that suffer from the same sartorial affliction as I do (the medical term is quirky-but-tasteful-itis), I’ve put together this Modcloth Wedding Guide: a short but sweet little guide to rocking less than traditional wedding attire and still making jaws drop.

 
 

WHEN IN DOUBT, CHANNEL YOUR INNER ANGLOPHILE

The Bride Wore Black


 

It’s certainly no secret that I’m an Anglophile and have been for the vast majority of my life and in England hats are often a must.  So channel your inner-Brit with a terrific topper.  Not only is it the perfect statement piece but it helps hide a less than happy hair day.  (Bonus!)  Besides, who says the bride has to wear a veil?  We’re breaking with tradition, remember?

The scarlet Tilt The End Of Time Fascinator is stunning and it pairs perfectly with the Revive Got An Idea Heel in crimson, which I would be remiss not to mention.  Do you know how stunning you would look with a black vintage inspired cocktail dress, that hat and those shoes with a poppy red lip?  You’d be such a heart-breaker your love would want to marry you twice.

 
 

CELEBRATE YOUR LOVE…WITH YOUR SHOES

The Bride Wore Black


 

What better way to show your excitement about your nuptials than with your shoes.  These adorable and appropriately named All Dressed Up Nuptial Heels from Irregular Choice will do the trick (and will definitely bring extra smiles and some delighted whispers of “Look at her shoes! Oh my god, how cute!” to the already happy occasion).

Or let your honey know that some bunny loves them (sorry, I couldn’t resist) with the insanely adorable and glam-tastic Look Who’s Hare Heels (also by Irregular Choice, in case you couldn’t tell).

Impractical?  Maybe a wee bit.  But aren’t the best shoes always a bit impractical?  (The correct answer is yes, in case you were wondering, says the woman who wears 6” platforms on the regular…to the gas station.)  Besides, any excuse to get a pair of Irregular Choice shoes is a good excuse.  This is a fact.

 
 

THE BRIDE WORE BLACK

The Bride Wore Black

From left to right: Any Way, Drape, Or Form Dress; Grace The Pages Dress; Descend To Your Darling Dress; Loving The Limelight Dress; Premier Party Dress

**Not pictured (but totally stunning and worth checking out if you’re looking for a period dress with Victorian, Edwardian or steampunk flare): Romantic Rhapsody Dress; Walking On Era Dress**

 

You’re never fully dressed without a…dress.  Duh.  Surely you didn’t think I would say smile (which is a given), did you?  You can’t be naked at your wedding…unless that’s your thing, but most of you will want a dress…and not just any dress, but the perfect dress.  And you don’t want just any old dress.  You want a dress that not only looks amazing but also shows off your impeccably offbeat taste.

Sure you could stick with white but why not be adventurous.  In some cultures red is considered a color of good fortune.  Why can’t your “something blue” be your dress?  And who says black is reserved for LBDs and funerals?  These dresses are proof that a black wedding dress can be just as beautiful and jaw-dropping as white.

 

jeff-and-lindsay-carnevil-balloons-alli-woods-frederick


 

Thanks to Modcloth for making this post possible and for encouraging brides to express their individuality while making sure every bride can look amazing without breaking the bank.

What about you?  Are you or someone you know an off-beat bride planning the big day?  I’d love to hear all about it.  Share your wedding day plans in the comments.  I’m a sucker for love and want to hear all about it…and I bet everyone else does too.

And just FYI – I know I’m not getting married but my birthday is coming up…in June and I will gladly accept those cute Irregular Choice bunny heels and the Walking on Era Dress  as early birthday presents. (What…you can’t blame a girl for trying, can you?  *wink*)

 
 

Kisses & Chaos,
Alli Woods Frederick

 
 

IMAGES  ::  JEFF & LINDSAY © ALLI WOODS FREDERICK PHOTOGRAPHY  ::  ALL PRODUCT IMAGES © MODCLOTH  ::

 

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Sideshow Matt The Pain Proof Man

 

DURING my visit to New Orleans last October I  had the pleasure of shooting one of my friends and sideshow performer, Matt The Pain Proof Man.

 

SO WHO IS SIDESHOW MATT THE PAIN PROOF MAN (AND WHAT THE HELL IS A PAIN PROOF MAN, ANYWAY)?

Sideshow Matt The Pain Proof Man


 

Sideshow Matt performs “classic carnival style pain proof acts.”  Basically he’s a Strongman and Human Blockhead with a rather eclectic act that defies categorization.  For those of you saying “Huh?” I’ll allow Sideshow Matt to elaborate for you:

 

Me:  “As a sideshow performer what feats of wonder are in your repertoire?”

Sideshow Matt:  “Human blockhead, iron jaw, glass eating, bed of nails, fire breathing and so much more.  I have around thirty different acts I can do…”

Me:  “What sparked your interest in becoming a sideshow performer and how old were you when you started pursuing it in earnest?”

Sideshow Matt:  “I always was interested in sideshows and carnivals as a kid.  But I knew I wanted to get serious about it when I first learned to do blockhead.*  After I did that once I wanted to show everyone I could do it…I was about 20 when I first started.  I have been performing professionally for around 5 years…and learning for about 7.”

*BLOCKHEAD ACTS CONSIST OF HAMMERING NAILS AND OTHER INSTRUMENTS INTO THE NASAL CAVITY VIA THE NOSTRILS.  THIS IS BELIEVED TO HAVE ORIGINATED IN INDIA BUT THE FIRST WRITTEN ACCOUNT OF SUCH A FEAT DATES BACK TO 1557 IN ENGLAND.  THE MORE YOU KNOW.*

 

Sideshow Matt The Pain Proof Man


 

Me:  “How in the world did you learn to do these things?  Did you have a mentor?”

Sideshow Matt:  “I trained myself with everything.*  I usually research the science of how an act works for days or weeks before I do it.”

*LEGAL DISCLAIMER:  DON’T BE STUPID AND TRY ANY OF THIS AT HOME.  I KNOW YOU’RE ALL SMART ENOUGH TO KNOW BETTER BUT IN THIS DAY AND AGE I, SADLY, HAVE TO COVER MY ASS AND MAKE SURE TO TELL YOU THESE ARE DANGEROUS STUNTS AND SHOULD ONLY BE ATTEMPTED BY TRAINED PROFESSIONALS.*

 

Me:  “What is your favorite act to perform?”

Sideshow Matt:  “It’s hard to say what my favorite is…it really depends on the crowds reaction…[but] my favorite act is either iron jaw or one where I have an audience member bend a piece of iron rebar around my throat.  Iron jaw is where I pick up a person up with my teeth.”

Me:  “What is the most difficult part of your act?”

Sideshow Matt:  “The hardest act I have to perform is probably the iron jaw.  It takes a lot of physical strength and it can actually rupture your spine and break your teeth if you do it wrong.  Sometimes it will cut off my air and make my vision go blurry if I hold my head wrong.  Someone recently told me there are only four other people that do it in the US.  I don’t know if that is true or not, but it sounds good so I am going to stick with it.  Haha!”

 

Sideshow Matt The Pain Proof Man


 

Me:  “Do you have a favorite show?  One that you enjoyed more than any other?”

Sideshow Matt:  “Hmmmmm…favorite show…that is a hard one.  I did a fundraiser for a hospital in Lafayette.  The wrongness that I was eating a light bulb in front of a bunch of doctors in tuxedos was awesome.”

Me:  “Who are you biggest role models?”

Sideshow Matt:  “My biggest role models are Melvin Burkhart, Todd Robbins and Captain Don Leslie.  Todd Robbins is the only one that is still alive and, in my opinion, he is one of the best sideshow performers around.  Seriously.  Go watch some of his videos.”

Me:  “Do you have any advice for people wanting to get into sideshow?”

Sideshow Matt:  “I have a LOT of advice for people wanting to learn sideshow but the most important pieces are:  never [work] for free and always be respectful to your peers.  Also, it will hurt if you are doing it right.”

 

AND NOW…
INTRODUCING SIDESHOW MATT THE PAIN PROOF MAN

Sideshow Matt The Pain Proof Man

*JUST TO CLARIFY, THAT’S A FULL FIRE EXTINGUISHER CLAMPED TO HIS SKIN.  I REPEAT, CLAMPED TO HIS SKIN.  IF YOU THINK “PFFFT.  THAT’S NO BIG DEAL.” GO PICK UP A FIRE EXTINGUISHER AND SEE HOW HEAVY THEY ARE…THEN IMAGINE IT HANGING FROM YOUR SKIN…FROM A CLAMP.  AND LIKE A TRUE PROFESSIONAL HE STOOD THERE FOR AT LEAST 15 – 20 MINUTES LETTING ME TAKE SHOT AFTER SHOT WITHOUT SO MUCH AS A GRUMBLE.  SIDESHOW MATT IS A BADASS.  BELIEVE IT.*

 

Sideshow Matt The Pain Proof Man


 

Sideshow Matt The Pain Proof Man


 

Our shoot was far too short for my liking.  We were pressed for time and, for obvious reasons, not all of his acts could be performed at the public locations where we were shooting without law enforcement turning up and spoiling our fun.  (They tend to frown upon breathing fire in public without a permit…I speak from personal experience, but that’s another story for another day.)

Matt and I already have plans in the works for another shoot on my next visit to New Orleans which will feature more of his amazing feats of strength and pain proof-osity and possibly some other surprises that are currently top secret so I am bound to secrecy and cannot share.  Rest assured they will be badass if they come to fruition…badass indeed.

Thanks oodles, Sideshow Matt, for taking time to come out and play and for teaching everyone about the amazing things you do.  I witnessed firsthand, you have truly earned the moniker Sideshow Matt The Pain Proof Man.

 
 

Kisses & Chaos,
Alli Woods Frederick

 
 

IMAGES  ::  ALL IMAGES © ALLI WOODS FREDERICK.  ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.  USE OR DISPLAY WITHOUT EXPRESS WRITTEN PERMISSION IS STRICTLY PROHIBITED.  ::

 

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Endless Desire

 

HE BIDS HIS BELOVED BE AT PEACE

Endless Desire

 

I hear the Shadowy Horses, their long manes a-shake,
Their hoofs heavy with tumult, their eyes glimmering white;
The North unfolds above them clinging, creeping night,
The East her hidden joy before the morning break,
The West weeps in pale dew and sighs passing away,
The South is pouring down roses of crimson fire:
O vanity of Sleep, Hope, Dream, endless Desire,
The Horses of Disaster plunge in the heavy clay:
Beloved, let your eyes half close, and your heart beat
Over my heart, and your hair fall over my breast,
Drowning love’s lonely hour in deep twilight of rest,
And hiding their tossing manes and their tumultuous feet.

-  William Butler Yeats

 
 

Kisses & Chaos,
Alli Woods Frederick

 
 

IMAGE  ::  SATURDAY VERSES LOGO © ALLI WOODS FREDERICK  ::  © VOGUE ITALIA  ::

 

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