The Best of Bob Hope

 

 

Yesterday marked the twelfth anniversary of my beloved Bob Hope’s death, which is a day of mourning and celebration in my home.  No joke.  When I was a massage therapist I didn’t book clients on July 27.  Nope.

Whenever possible the day consists of a Bob Hope movie marathon as I laugh my ass off and then, inevitably, cry because I still feel the sting of the profound loss to this day.  We lost not only an intelligent and highly gifted comedian, but a humanitarian and possibly one of our greatest patriots…and he was born English (go figure).

So this year, in celebration of my first and lifelong crush’s comedic genius, beautiful spirit and long life (he was 100 years old when he died) I give you some of his best quips and quotes with…

 
 

THE BEST OF BOB HOPE:  MASTER OF VAUDEVILLE

The Best of Bob Hope


 
 

“I’ve always been in the right place and time. Of course, I steered myself there.”

“When we recall the past, we usually find that it is the simplest things – not the great occasions – that in retrospect give off the greatest glow of happiness”

“You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.”

 
 

The Best of Bob Hope


 
 

“I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything till noon. That’s when it’s time for my nap.”

“I have seen what a laugh can do. It can transform almost unbearable tears into something bearable, even hopeful.”

“A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.”

 
 

The Best of Bob Hope


 
 

“I do benefits for all religions – I’d hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.”

“Middle age is when you still believe you’ll feel better in the morning.”

“My father told me all about the birds and the bees, the liar – I went steady with a woodpecker till I was twenty-one.”

 
 

The Best of Bob Hope


 
 

“I’ll tell ‘ya how to stay young: Hang around with older people.”

“She said she was approaching forty, and I couldn’t help wondering from what direction.”

“Don’t tempt me, I can resist anything but temptation.”

 
 

The Best of Bob Hope


 
 

Of audiences: “They were really tough – they used to tie their tomatoes on the end of a yo-yo, so they could hit you twice”

“I left England when I was four because I found out I could never be King.”

“Kids are wonderful, but I like mine barbecued.”

 
 

The Best of Bob Hope


 
 

“Your ignorance cramps my conversation.”

“People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy.”

(When asked where he wanted to be buried) “Surprise me.”

 
 

The Best of Bob Hope


 
 

I love you, Bob – forever and always.  Thank you for all the laughter and joy you have given me (and countless others) since I was a tiny two year old.  You have been a comfort and, unbeknownst to you, the dearest of friends.  (I doubt you remember but my grandfather was your driver and right hand man while you were on a USO tour in Korea.  Could you tell him I send my love and a martini?  If you have trouble finding him, he’s probably floating in a pool, slathered in baby oil, drinking a bottomless martini and listening to the Rat Pack.)

 
 

The Best of Bob Hope


 
 

I hope wherever you are now the golf courses are always green, you always stay out of the rough and you’re keeping everyone laughing.  You are greatly missed and never forgotten.  Thanks for the memories.

 
 

 
 

Slapstick Kisses & Vaudevillian Chaos,
Alli Woods Frederick

 
 

IMAGES  ::  SOURCES UNKNOWN  ::

 

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POEM RESCUED FROM THE TRASH

 
 

As most of you know, I’m an artist at Fayetteville Underground.  This means I’m in and out of the gallery throughout the month and without fail, virtually every single time I’m there I find some odd, random thing that someone has left behind.

A couple of weeks ago I came across this poem that someone had jotted down and left sitting in a pile of papers to be recycled.  I decided to liberate it from its impending death and eventual reincarnation as a few sheets of toilet paper.

I now present to you the first (and possibly last – we’ll just have to wait and see, so one of my silly logos pending) edition of PROJECT FOUND (translation provided below the image in case you have a hard time making it out):

 
 

PROJECT FOUND:  POEM RESCUED FROM THE TRASH

POEM RESCUED FROM THE TRASH

 

 

Get rich
new at this
money is religion
Liquor store
abstract
inches
representation
Pornography works
we buy symbols
we don’t buy
Lexus commercial
more complicate
chicken
swim fins
or seven deadly sins
overdoing it
Just because we
can
atomic bombs
no note
slack
listen to each
other

– Anonymous

 
 

Lost Kisses & Found Chaos,
Alli Woods Frederick

 
 

IMAGES  ::  © ALLI WOODS FREDERICK.  ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.  ::
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WORDLESS WEDNESDAY

 

WHY YOU SHOULD ENCOURAGE YOUR ARTISTIC CHILD:

THE PAINTINGS OF HITLER

 

 

Why You Should Encourage Your Artistic Child

 

 

Why You Should Encourage Your Artistic Child

 

 

Why You Should Encourage Your Artistic Child

 

 

Why You Should Encourage Your Artistic Child

 

 

Why You Should Encourage Your Artistic Child

 

 

Why You Should Encourage Your Artistic Child

 

 

Give Your Kids Kisses & Prevent Genocidal Chaos,
Alli Woods Frederick

 
 

IMAGES  ::  ALL IMAGES BY HITLER.  YES.  THAT HITLER.  CRAZY, RIGHT?  IMAGINE HOW DIFFERENT THE WORLD WOULD BE IF HE HAD BEEN A PAINTER INSTEAD OF A COMPLETE F*CKING LUNATIC.  ::

 

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Disappearing Acts

 
 

Holy crap.  I have been gone a while, haven’t I?  This is the longest I have ever disappeared in the almost five years since I started Kisses & Chaos.

 

SO WHAT WAS WITH THE DISAPPEARING ACT?

I WISH I HAD SOME SPECTACULAR TALE TO TELL, BUT ALAS, I DO NOT.

 

Mischa’s health took a sudden turn and I came dangerously close to losing him.  (He’s doing clinically better now – there is no coming back from his condition, but he’s feeling well: eating, drinking, playing and snuggling.  We’re making the most of it and enjoying our time together.)  That coupled with a completely crashed laptop (this baby’s on its last legs) the Universe forced me to take a break, which worked out well enough since I was (possibly am) dealing with a near crippling case of ennui meets existential bullshit which resulted in a total loss of interest in any and all things remotely brain and life related.

 

SOMETIMES FORCED HIBERNATION IS A GOOD THING, SOMETIMES NOT…MOST OF THE TIME IT’S A MIXED BAG.

 

The sense of obligation to be here writing and to work on my newest photographic series (which needs to be done before the first week of September, including the final prints in hand, ready to frame – yeah, no pressure there) was so (and please don’t take this personally – this is totally a “it’s not you it’s me” thing) so overwhelming, so daunting, that it literally made me sick to my stomach.  I’m talking couldn’t eat because it was painful to eat sick (and it still is, though not as severe).

Life has been bearing down on me from all sides and it all just became too much.  Too overwhelming and I had no outlet.  So The Universe, in her infinite wisdom, made me take a break by making my computer go boom.

It helped to a degree, but it gave me too much time to ruminate and brood which is a dangerous thing for my brain.  It can get stuck in binary loops sometimes – a repeating meme.  Things just go round and round and the merry go round can be more than a little dizzying and not a pleasant ride to be on.   But all rides come to an end, as will this one, eventually.

At least I’m starting to feel more of an urge to create again…not a huge urge.  I forced myself to shoot last week (even though I didn’t quite feel up to it) using a new model who was a total trooper putting up with 104 degree heat and standing barefoot on blistering pavement in the middle of a busy street.

(Before you label me a total sadist, I hosed down the street so it was cool to stand on – I would never ask a model to do something I wouldn’t do myself…of course I’ve broken my toes trying to get a shot, so that may not be much of a comfort.)

 

BUT HERE I GO BABBLING AGAIN.

(What?  Me?  No, never.)

 

I’ll just cut to the chase which is I’m sorry for my disappearing act – it was truly involuntary though greatly needed(ish).  And with that I give you a long overdue (and needed reminder on my part) edition of…

 

Disappearing Acts

Disappearing Acts

 
 

Overdue Kisses & Too Much Chaos,
Alli Woods Frederick

 
 

IMAGES  ::  SOURCES UNKNOWN  ::
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More Adventures With My Dead Roommate Robert

More Adventures With My Dead Roommate Robert

 

You have patiently waited (okay – mostly patiently waited – you didn’t bombard me on Facebook and were kind enough to space out all your Robert related post inquiries *wink*) so now it’s time for part three in the ongoing saga of one of my favorite personal encounters with the other side.  Are you ready?  (Stupid question, I know.)  I can hear you telling me to shut up and get on with it, so without further ado I now present to you…

 
 

MORE ADVENTURES WITH MY DEAD ROOMMATE ROBERT

More Adventures With My Dead Roommate Robert


 
 

When last we visited, I told you about relocating to the duplex next door and that, despite the “normal” behavior of ghosts, it had started to seem as though Robert had opted not to stay put in the former home that we shared and instead decided to follow us to our new digs one door down.  While unusual behavior for a ghost, it is not without precedent.

Robert had also taken to doing something new – talking…to me…out loud.  Since I still wasn’t completely sure that he had actually followed us to the our new house coupled with the fact that he had never, ever spoken before, I began to questions my sanity, as any sane person would do…oh, the irony.

Yeah. That sounds like where we left off. So now that we’ve done our quick and obligatory recap, let’s get on with it, shall we?

So let’s pick up the story with…

 
 

ALL HELL BREAKING LOOSE.

More Adventures With My Dead Roommate Robert


 
 

So it began with the comment whispered in my ear while I was in the bathroom.  Then there were the little snippets of words here and there.  There were other odd sounds.  Thuds and creaks that could have been attributed to my dog, Lakota, or Mischa, but they were asleep or just hanging out thinking about whatever it is that dogs and cats think about when they just lay there and stare off into space for hours on end whenever the noises would occur.

Things would move around too.  You’d put your keys on the table and then five minutes later they’d be gone, only to return to the exact same spot on the exact same table a little while later.

 

THEN THERE WERE THE LIGHTS…AND THEN THE DOORS.

 

Whenever I was home alone the lights would get wonky.  The bathroom light would turn on…by itself…while I was in the living room.  Or the kitchen light.  Or the hall light.  You get the idea.  Lights would turn themselves on.  Lights would turn themselves off.  This was when I realized, for sure, that Robert had decided to move with us – which proved a huge relief.  I wasn’t crazy.  Well…I was crazy but not that kind of crazy I should say. *wink*  But there was still something off.

 

SOMETHING WASN’T QUITE RIGHT.

 

This behavior seemed very strange for Robert.  The talking and then the messing with the lights.  It was all out of character.  He didn’t usually make such obvious (and creepy…and aggressive) attempts at getting attention.  I thought we had moved past this type of negative behavior and had decided to live together with good solid boundaries firmly intact.

 

WHAT THE HELL WAS GOING ON?

More Adventures With My Dead Roommate Robert


 
 

It was around the same time that I noticed Herman* (my charming boyfriend at the time – and please note the heavy use of sarcasm) acting oddly again.  Behavior that pointed to him being up to his old, sleazy, nomadic dick tricks.  I had my suspicions but had no concrete proof.  (Isn’t that always the way – all the intuition and body language dead giveaways in the world but not a single piece of solid evidence to support your instincts.)  As my mood and feelings of self-worth waned and my suspicions grew so did Robert’s activity in the house.

 

ROBERT’S BEHAVIOR ESCALATED TO THE POINT THAT I BEGAN TO QUESTION IF HE WAS THE NICE (DEAD) GUY I THOUGHT HE WAS.

 

Whenever I was alone he would slam doors in the house.  And I don’t mean he would slam them once.  Oh no.  He would slam a door then open it and slam it again.  Over and over.  And it scared the ever-loving shit out of me.

Once it was so bad that I had to call my friends, who lived on the other side of the alley from me while crying my eyes out and shaking, begging for them to send Herman home or for one of them to come over.  I was terrified to be alone and in an panic.  Naturally, the moment Herman and company arrived Robert immediately got quiet.  I was scared and confused.

 

MY DEAD FRIEND SEEMED TO BE TURNING AGAINST ME AND I HAD NO IDEA WHAT TO DO.

 

And then it happened.  I got fed up.  Not with Robert.  His behavior was just the icing on the cake.  I got fed up with Herman.  The relationship ended and he moved out.  No long goodbyes.  None of that.  Just an apology for being a cheating bastard (which I still don’t believe was sincere…I think the only thing he was sorry about was not being able to get away with it) and then out the door.  And after that the damnedest thing happened…

 

TO BE CONTINUED…

 
 

Kisses & Chaos,
Alli Woods Frederick

 

A REALLY BIG & IMPORTANT PS – Today is the FINAL DAY of my tarot reading sale/fundraiser for the arts.  The sale ends tonight at  midnight CST.  The sale has been extended through July 4, at 3:00pm CST.  And since it’s the final day I’ve increased your savings!

 

photo

 
ALL Simplicity Single Card and Three Card Tarot Readings and Subscriptions are now 17% off and ALL Year At A Glance and Super-Duper In-Depth Yearly Tarot Readings are 25% off (they were 12% & 15%).  Say whaat?!?  That’s a helluva a deal and it’s going towards a truly great cause.

Just enter code TAROTTUESDAY at checkout to get your discount when you get your reading here.

 

WHERE YOUR MONEY IS GOING:

 

75% of each Simplicity Single Card and Three Card Tarot Readings and Subscriptions and 50% of each Year At A Glance and Super-Duper In-Depth Yearly Tarot Readings will be donated to help with the production/release of independent musician Randall Shreve’s new album, The Devil And The End.

 

You may recall I mentioned his music and his fundraising campaign last week. There are only a few days left to help him raise the funds to make this album a reality. As a supporter of my fellow local artists, I’m hoping we can help (at least a little bit). Let’s rock this! (no pun intended, honest.)

 


 

Some people don’t realize that making art is really expensive – and music is no exception. There’s a huge cost involved in getting the music you love out of the artist’s head and to your ears. For independent musicians those expenses are often paid out of pocket by the artist and those expenses aren’t cheap. As a supporter of the arts (and especially of local and independent artists) this is my way of helping a talented local musician give his voice to the world.

I look forward to reading your cards for you and thank you all for your love and support.

 
 

XOX

 
 

IMAGES  ::  LOGO © ALLI WOODS FREDERICK  ::  . – FREDERIC DESMOTS  ::  . – FREDERICK DESMOTS  ::  DISTORTED GRAVITY – ANKA ZHURAVLEVA  ::  GUEST(S) – YVES LECOQ  ::  THE DEVIL AND THE END/ PORTRAIT © RANDALL SHREVE  ::
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