The Top 20 Episodes of The X-Files

** THIS POST CONTAINS SPOILERS FOR THE ORIGINAL X-FILES SERIES (NOT THE NEW SERIES).  SO IF YOU’RE JUST STARTING YOUR LOVE AFFAIR WITH ALL THINGS MULDER & SCULLY AND HAVEN’T WATCHED THE ENTIRE ORIGINAL SERIES, I SUGGEST JUST SCANNING THE TITLES I’VE LISTED, WATCHING THE EPISODES AND SKIPPING THE EPISODE RECAPS I’M PROVIDING…UNLESS YOU LIKE SPOILERS, IN WHICH CASE CARRY ON.  **

 

 

I want to believe.  That is the mantra of every X-Files fan in the world, and we will all be collectively losing our shit tomorrow night when The X-Files premieres a new episode for the first time in over a decade.  I’m fairly certain our cries of glee will be audible to any Motherships that might be passing through our solar system Sunday night.

Stay tuned for the special two-hour series finale of THE X-FILES airing Sunday, May 19th (8:00-10:00 PM ET/PT) on FOX. ª©2002 FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY. CR: FOX

For those who are already members of the show’s rabid cult following and those that are about to be newly initiated, I present a loving look back on the dark, adorable and spooky (yeah…bad joke, I know) episodes that made this series what it was, which is sheer genius dipped in delicious sci-fi/paranormal awesomeness.  So here, in chronological order (since it would be impossible to choose which one would be THE best episode ever), I give you…

 
 
 

THE TOP 20 EPISODES OF THE X-FILES (SO FAR)

The Top 20 Episodes of The X-Files

 
 
 

1)  CLYDE BRUCKMAN’S FINAL REPOSE

The Top 20 Episodes of The X-Files

originally aired on Sunday, Oct. 13, 1995

 
 

Clyde Bruckman, played by Peter Boyle, plays a cynical (and hilarious) psychic insurance salesman who unwittingly taps in to a psychic serial killer’s mind.  He helps Mulder & Scully track the homicidal maniac with limited success since his visions only reveal how someone is going to die.  We also learn how Mulder will eventually meet his end in this episode, when Bruckman makes a remark to him about autoerotic asphyxiation being an undignified way to go.  Given Mulder’s unwavering love of porn, which is firmly established throughout the series, such an end, while undignified, seems a rather plausible (though unfortunate) way for him to bite it.  (As many as 1000 people die from autoerotic asphyxiation in the US each year – most notably Kill Bill and Kung Fu star, David Carradine.)

 
 
 

2) WAR OF THE COPROPHAGES

The Top 20 Episodes of The X-Files

originally aired on Sunday, Jan. 5, 1996

 
 

Coprophage, for those who are blissfully unaware, means shit eater.  A perfect title for an episode dedicated to the world’s most hated pest, the cockroach.  Mulder investigates a town under attack by biomechanical cockroaches the origin of which is never discovered.  Between brief and amusing phone calls to Scully, Mulder manages to enlist the help of a sexy entomologist (named Bambi) while making Scully jealous of his obvious interest in the bug obsessed, pouty lipped scientist.  A literal shit storm ensues as chaos erupts, a building explodes and feces is flung far and wide.

This episode is unlikely to appear on many best-of lists, but my reason for including this episode is sound:

After binge watching the first few seasons, this episode stood out as a subtle turning point for the series.  The back and forth banter that we’ve come to know and love between Mulder and Scully makes its first solid appearance here.  It’s also a bit campy, which is something the show came to embrace as the series progressed.

This is THE episode that transformed and firmly established The X-Files into the series we adore so deeply for its compelling paranormal/sci-fi/occult storylines, its willingness to be campy and serious all at once as well as the damn near perfect relationship (which is, as of this episode, not just platonic or that of two co-workers, but one of definite romantic leanings) between two beloved characters.  And all thanks to cockroaches…

 
 
 

3) JOSE CHUNG’S ‘FROM OUTER SPACE’

The Top 20 Episodes of The X-Files

originally aired on Sunday, April 12, 1996

 
 

A prominent author, Jose Chung, interviews Scully and others involved in an alien abduction for a new “nonfiction science fiction” novel he’s writing.

This is the first time in the series we see the same story told from the viewpoints of other characters and the result is fantastic.  It fully embraces the over the top comedic opportunities this type of storytelling has to offer and puts the camp mentioned in War Of The Coprophages front and center.   With what I assume is a nod to Ray Harryhausen (the special effects artist best known for his work on The Clash of The Titans), the episode begins with brilliantly awful claymation and lays the cheese on extra thick from beginning to end.

 
 

The Top 20 Episodes of The X-Files

 
 

From Mulder’s girly scream as a ‘mandroid’ and bizarre sweet potato pie inquisition to Alex Trebek and Jesse “The Body” Ventura guest starring as the infamous men in black, Jose Chung’s ‘From Outer Space’ successfully opened the door for the writers to be more playful, more experimental and push the envelope with their narrative choices for future episodes.

 
 
 

4) THE POST-MODERN PROMETHEUS

The Top 20 Episodes of The X-Files

originally aired on Sunday, Nov. 30, 1997

 
 

Strange things are afoot in a small Indiana town.  Women are mysteriously becoming pregnant.  But that’s not all.  Genetic experiments, mutants and Cher (yes, Cher) are the key components of the story as ’The Post-Modern Prometheus’ pays homage to classic monster movies, not only through its storytelling but stylistically, too, complete with black and white film and dramatic use of lighting.  This episode also features the only ending in the entire series that I would describe as adorable.  If you can think of another one, I’d love to know.

 
 
 

5) BAD BLOOD

The Top 20 Episodes of The X-Files

originally aired on Sunday, Feb. 22, 1998

 
 

Vampires living (so to speak) in a small Texas town?  Pizza boys drugging dinner and draining innocent victims while rocking fake fangs?  Luke Wilson?  Yup.

 
 

The Top 20 Episodes of The X-Files

 
 

Guest Starring Luke Wilson as your friendly neighborhood vampire sheriff, ‘Bad Blood’ is the second episode in the series to be told from different perspectives (in this instance Mulder and Scully) and it is done beautifully.  Can any of us forget Mulder’s face the first time he laid eyes on the sheriff (in his version of the story) or when he sang the theme from Shaft (in Scully’s version)?  Yeah.  I didn’t think so…

 
 
 

6) FOLIE A DEUX

The Top 20 Episodes of The X-Files

originally aired on Sunday, May. 10, 1998

 
 

Have you ever seen something out of the corner of your eye?  Something not quite right?  In the dark?  Did you think it was your imagination?  According to the plot of ‘Folie A Deux’ it might be more real than you think.  It might be a creepy insect-like monster posing as a human that sucks out the souls of his victims leaving them as walking zombies; human husks still able to function and appear normal on the outside but who are literally the walking, talking dead.

 
 

The Top 20 Episodes of The X-Files

 
 

If you ever get a call from a freaked out aluminum siding salesman who starts whispering about how it “hides in the light” tell him to get the hell out of there and call 9-1-1.  And you, if you ever see that thing that’s not quite right out of the corner of your eye moving towards you in the darkness…keep your back to the wall and turn on the lights as fast as you can.

 
 
 

7) TRIANGLE

The Top 20 Episodes of The X-Files

originally aired on Sunday, Nov. 22, 1998

 
 

Finally, The X-Files tackles time travel…sort of.  Mulder manages to get swept back in time while in the Bermuda Triangle.  Swept back to when?  To September 3, 1939, where he finds himself aboard the missing passenger ship the Queen Anne which has been boarded by Nazis who are in search of something called Thor’s Hammer, the acquisition of which would ensure a swift victory for the Nazis.  Obviously not an ideal outcome for the world.

A wild ride ensues as Mulder tries to outfox (come on…the pun had to be made at some point) the Nazis, protect Thor’s Hammer, kiss Scully (who’s not actually Scully but still…HELLO!), get smacked down by Scully-not-Scully (ouch!) and stop the ship from reaching Germany.  Oh, and let’s not forget returning to his own time…the series would have been much different if he remained trapped in 1939.

 
 

The Top 20 Episodes of The X-Files

 
 

This episode, with its 2.5 million dollar budget, is a fan favorite for many reasons, not least of which are the direction and cinematography, which are outstanding.  Shot in real time (and making use of some super-fun split screen action), the episode is comprised of several continuous shots that were seamlessly edited to create the illusion of four eleven minute acts, ‘Triangle’ does an exceptional job of visually drawing you into the story.

 
 

The Top 20 Episodes of The X-Files

 
 

It is stunning.  Taped in widescreen, it was the first X-Files episode to be aired in letterbox.  Throw in the riveting storyline, the costumes, the set design (Chris Carter actually had portions of the Queen Mary, a moored WWII ship-turned-hotel where it was filmed, completely redecorated to match the era), killer music (it doesn’t get much better than ‘Sing! Sing! Sing! (With a Swing!)’) and a fun and amazing climax (seriously…I can’t stress enough how gorgeous the filming is in this episode) and it’s easy to see why the budget went over 2.5 million…and why it pulled in a whopping 18.2 million viewers when it premiered.

This one is true work of art.

 
 
 

8) DREAMLAND (PART 1 & 2)

The Top 20 Episodes of The X-Files

originally aired on Sunday, Nov. 29, Dec. 6, 1998

 
 

I don’t even know how to begin to explain this two-parter.  It’s the best of both worlds – they combine elements of the alien/UFO conspiracy story arc with a stand-alone episode and are easily two of the funniest episodes of the series.  How couldn’t they be with the comedic genius Michael McKean guest starring as the truly despicable slime ball, Morris Fletcher (who also happens to work at the infamous Area 51, a.k.a. Dreamland).

Mulder swaps bodies with Fletcher and does some booty shakin’ in the mirror.  People’s faces are atomically rearranged and merged into each other (pretty painful and disgusting).  There are spies.  There are lies.  And we meet the world’s brattiest children and shrew of a wife (which begs the question, was Fletcher a disgusting jackass before he got married and had kids or did it happen after?  Chicken?  Egg).  It also sets the stage for “Monday,” as the waterbed (complete with mirrored ceiling – gotta love, Morris…what a manwhore) that Fletcher-as-Mulder buys for Mulder’s barren bedroom plays a key role in the day’s events.

 
 
 

9) HOW THE GHOSTS STOLE CHRISTMAS

The Top 20 Episodes of The X-Files

originally aired on Sunday, Dec. 13, 1998

 
 

Possibly one of, if not the best, Christmas ghost stories ever.  It’s a little spooky, a little gross and a little sentimental – it’s the perfect blend.  On Christmas Eve Scully meets Mulder at what appears to be a vacant Victorian house, complete with fog gently hugging the front lawn.  As Bing Crosby croons on the car’s stereo the tale begins.  The ever curious Mulder and always loyal Scully enter the home to investigate reports of its infamous haunting by two lovers who had a suicide pact that return every Christmas to spread their own brand of Christmas cheer.

But what’s this?  Upon entering, the house doesn’t appear vacant at all.  In fact it appears quite occupied.  Things start to get interesting when they discover two very decayed bodies that closely resemble themselves (all the way down to the clothing) under the floorboards.

Enter the ghosts (who are brilliantly played by Lily Tomlin and Ed Asner).  The story turns into a bit of a fun house nightmare with doors that lead to nowhere and rooms that become inescapable as the ghosts begin their mind games in an attempt to drive Mulder and Scully insane.  What follows is some of the best dialogue…from any series…ever.

 
 

 

::  VIDEO – HOW THE GHOSTS STOLE CHRISTMAS  ::
(I THINK I RELATE A LITTLE TOO CLOSELY WITH HIS DESCRIPTION OF MULDER’S ‘TYPE.’  OUCH.)

 
 

And just like any good ghost story it ends with scared living people running from the haunted house, fleeing to the safety of the world they know as they narrowly escape the clutches of the dead ne’er-do-wells.  (And I know I said I wasn’t ranking episodes but I lied…a little…this is easily in the top 5.)

 
 
 

10) Terms of Endearment

The Top 20 Episodes of The X-Files

originally aired on Sunday, Jan. 3, 1999

 
 

Demon babies and Bruce Campbell is the father.  Do I really need to say anything else?  I do?  Let me try this again…

 
 

The Top 20 Episodes of The X-Files

 
 

Bruce.  Campbell.

The end.

 
 
 

11) Monday

The Top 20 Episodes of The X-Files

originally aired on Sunday, Feb. 28, 1999

 
 

Boy…and I thought I hated Mondays.  Taking a page from Groundhog Day, it’s the Monday that never ends…

 

“Well, what if there is no tomorrow?  There wasn’t one today.”
– Bill Murray, Groundhog Day

 

…and it’s a horrible day to have on repeat – unless you consider getting blown up by a bomb wielding bank robber a fun way to get out of work.  In an ironic twist of fate, Morris Fletcher (who made his appearance in Dreamland) inadvertently and indirectly sets off the chain of events that lead to Mulder and Scully’s deaths in the Monday from hell by purchasing the waterbed for himself/Mulder that springs a leak, shorting out Mulder’s alarm clock subsequently causing him to be at the bank during the robbery.

 
 

The Top 20 Episodes of The X-Files

 
 

This episode is fascinating to contemplate, not only because it begs the question of whether or not we would realize it if we were stuck in a loop, reliving the same day over and over but because of the interplay of cause and effect – the idea that the smallest, most inconsequential events – like the purchasing of a waterbed or oversleeping – can eventually lead to your death…or your soul mate…or any other major, pivotal life event.

I also dig the reference to Hinduism with the reincarnation of Mulder into the same body after each of his deaths and his eventual use of a mantra (“He’s got a bomb.”) to retain information as he passes from this life into his next, in much the same way that some Hindus try to achieve moksha (the liberation of the soul from the cycle of death and rebirth) through the use of mantras.

This episode is nice and meaty.  It sticks with you.

 
 
 

12) Milagro

The Top 20 Episodes of The X-Files

originally aired on Sunday, April 18, 1999

 
 

Creepy, beautiful and strangely romantic in a completely dysfunctional Sid and Nancy sort of way, this is a tale of obsession.  An author and neighbor of Mulder’s reveals his obsession with Scully while a character in the novel he’s writing is unleashed and begins committing murders…murders that are straight out of his manuscript.

With his attention firmly fixed on Dana, he delivers some of the most beautiful and insightful monologues the series has ever given us.  This episode is for all the lit and word nerds out there (if you love iambic pentameter throw your hands in the air!)  who can’t resist the beauty of a well-turned phrase.

 
 
 

13) Hungry

The Top 20 Episodes of The X-Files

originally aired on Sunday, Nov. 21, 1999

 
 

You’ll never look at fast food the same again as we witness and explore the struggles of a flesh eating mutant who is trying to be a productive member of society while attempting to suppress his urge, his biological imperative to consume sweet, buttery human brain-y goodness.  Apparently we don’t taste like chicken and we melt in the mouth, not in the hand.

It’s hard not to empathize with the “bad guy” in this one.  He tries to be good.  He really does.  But in the end his biology overrides his humanity every single time.  He proves not all monsters are bad during his final act of desperation: no longer able to live with himself, his overwhelming craving and all it entails he ensures his own demise…finding peace at last.

 
 
 

14) The Goldberg Variation

The Top 20 Episodes of The X-Files

originally aired on Sunday, Dec. 12, 1999

 
 

Oh, goodie!  We take another fun (and bizarre) look at cause, effect and the balance of the universe in ‘The Goldberg Variation,’ as a man with exceedingly good and improbable luck (and who spreads equally astounding bad luck…gotta have balance after all) tries to save the life of a little boy with acute liver failure.  And in case that little boy’s face looks familiar, despite its yellow pallor, it’s because he’s a very young Shia LaBeouf.

Seriously…The X-Files is like a high school yearbook of Hollywood stars.  It’s bananas how many of these small guest starring roles were played by people who are now well established in Hollywood.  What are the odds?  (Well…if this episode’s plot is to be believed then odds schmods.  Who cares about the stinkin’ odds?)

 
 
 

15) The Amazing Maleeni

The Top 20 Episodes of The X-Files

originally aired on Sunday, Jan. 16, 2000

 
 

In ‘Humbug’ Scully asserts that “…everybody’s uncle’s an amateur magician.”  The magicians turned felonious scam artists we meet in this episode are far from amateur, performing such an elaborate hoax that it almost boggles the mind.  How could they be so many steps ahead of so many people and just how predictable is human nature in its response to external stimuli that it can be predicted accurately enough to perpetrate such a hoax?  Truly magical.

 
 
 

16) X-COPS

The Top 20 Episodes of The X-Files

originally aired on Sunday, Feb. 20, 2000

 
 

This episode could have easily jumped the shark with the COPS crossover, but where others failed, The X-Files succeeded.  Mulder and Scully accidentally stumble into the filming of COPS while on a investigation of what Mulder initially believes to be a werewolf but turns out to be something never encountered before – a shapeshifting being that chooses its victims and preys upon them using their own fear.  A monster that isn’t only ferocious but utilizes its victims’ own psychology as a weapon?  Terrifying and brilliant…brilliantly terrifying.

Fun little side note:  Mulder makes a comment to Scully about how she’d look good with bubble gum pink hair as they pursue a prostitute who was an eyewitness to a murder.  This was actually a cute, friendly little dig by Duchovny at Anderson who was a punk in London as a teenager…and she did, in fact, dye her hair.  I know.  It just makes you love her more, doesn’t it?  Gillian Anderson is my spirit animal.

 
 
 

17) Hollywood A.D.

The Top 20 Episodes of The X-Files

originally aired on Sunday, April 30, 2000

 
 

Mulder (who’s played by Garry Shandling) and Scully (who’s played by Duchovny’s real life now ex-wife, Tea Leoni) are used as inspiration for a movie.  Shadowed by a Hollywood producer and sent out to L.A. for the premiere we learn more about our favorite paranormal investigatory duo than ever before…like what side Mulder dresses on and how Scully runs in high heels.  Just like a Hollywood movie, this episode has a little of anything you could possibly want: death, religion, politics, sex (well…cheesy innuendo), dancing zombies, Jesus cracking jokes while raising Lazarus and assistant director Skinner drinking champagne while taking a bubble bath.

 
 

The Top 20 Episodes of The X-Files

 
 

Like I said…a little of anything you could possibly want.

super-nerd moment:  I was shocked at the casting of Shandling as Mulder when the episode first aired but while I was recently watching another episode (I think it might have been Jose Chung…but I honestly can’t be sure so don’t quote me) I saw it.  Duchovny was speaking in slow motion and the camera was pulled in tight on his face.  It clicked.  If you compare Duchovny’s and Shandling’s mouths they are surprisingly similar…almost freakishly so.  their bite, the shape of their lips, the way they move.  I’m convinced that someone saw this similarity and thought it would be an excellent comedic casting choice.  I know.  It’s kinda pitiful that my brain actually notices these things and finds them important enough to warrant my attention.  Some people would call it obsessive…or geeky…or sad…I like to call it ‘attention to detail.’

 
 
 

18) Je Souhaite

The Top 20 Episodes of The X-Files

originally aired on Sunday, May 14, 2000

 
 

If you had three wishes what would they be?  Such is the conundrum faced by those who are unfortunate enough to encounter the jinn (or genie).  Found wrapped in a rug, this mischievous minx keeps chaos as her companion as granting people’s wishes (including Mulder’s) brings unexpected and unintentional consequences.  No matter how selfless or selfish the wish, the outcome is always the same…and the outcome is not good.  Just ask Nixon.  I’m pretty sure he’ll tell you some rugs are best left unrolled.

 
 
 

19) Lord Of The Flies

The Top 20 Episodes of The X-Files

originally aired on Sunday, Dec. 16, 2001

 
 

Teenagers and their hormones.  They’re a force to be reckoned with…especially when that teenager is part insect and can kill you with creepy crawlies that he can command with his ultra-potent teenage insect/human pheromones.  And kill he does.  Is it indiscriminate?  Not at all.  He doesn’t run around killing people all willy nilly.  He, just like the mutant in ‘Hungry,’ is a victim of his own biology…he cares about people and wants to love and be loved (and, in fact, does love a very confused, scared and slightly grossed out girl)…which makes it hard to view him as a mutant or monster…especially when he writes his love notes with real fireflies in the night sky.

Bonus points for the incredibly cheesy entomologist.  Not fair that Mulder gets Bambi and Scully gets…him.

 
 
 

20) Improbable

The Top 20 Episodes of The X-Files

originally aired on Sunday, April. 7, 2002

 
 

Here’s another one that lands squarely in the top five list.  The oldest of conflicts.  Evil.  Good.  Dark.  Light.  Satan.  Burt Reynolds…?

Good ol’ Burt guests stars as the big I Am.  It seems an apt casting choice considering he seems to think he’s God already. (Just look at his behavior.  Slapping people on the red carpet?  That’s some serious God complex bullshit right there.)  I hate to admit it but he seriously rocks the role.  Who knew God wears Hawaiian print shirts and enjoys a good game of…well…it seems just about anything from checkers to poker to dominoes.

 
 

The Top 20 Episodes of The X-Files

 
 

Add in the music (could it be more perfect for this episode?  No.  No it could not), the interesting, almost musical approach to the direction, the concept of fate versus freewill (one of my personal favorites) and the heavy use of numerology and it’s easy to say this episode is damn near perfect.  The only problem, the only one, is that Mulder isn’t back with the team yet.  That’s it.  If it weren’t for that this episode would score a perfect 9 (which is the number of completion in numerology.  Just ask Monica Reyes.  She knows.)

 
 
 

21) Jump The Shark

The Top 20 Episodes of The X-Files

originally aired on Sunday, April 21, 2002

 
 

How appropriate that we end with an ending.  This episode is trashed by fans and critics (and even the show’s creator).  The plot was even negated by the release of subsequent comics.  So why, if everyone thinks this episode was complete crap, so much so that they even have to joke about it in the show’s title, did it make my list?

Because of my beloved Lone Gunmen.  How do you not love them?  My precious little super-nerds, always fighting the good fight.

This makes the list as a runner-up, number twenty-one, because it is the final curtain for the three unlikely heroes.  This episode was used to conclude their short-lived spin off ‘The Lone Gunmen.’

They died, but they didn’t just die.  They died heroically.  They died being brave, protecting others…fighting the good fight.  And they were buried in Arlington Cemetery…which is only appropriate for men who always did their best to protect the people from threats, be they real or imagined.

This episode made the list because I’m proud of my brave little super-nerds.  Plain and simple.

 

So there you have it.  My top 20 list.  Do you agree?  Disagree?  Could you not care less about The X-Files?  Which episode did I leave off that you think should have been included?  Come on.  Nerd out with me.  And tomorrow night join me as we raise our voices to the sky and we say…

 

TRUST NO ONE.
THE TRUTH IS OUT THERE.
I WANT TO BELIEVE.

 

Okay.  I’m ready.  Let the countdown begin.

 
 

Alien Kisses & Paranormal Chaos,
Alli Woods Frederick

 
 

Honorable Mentions  ::  Syzygy  ::  Unruhe  ::  Sanguinarium  ::  Arcadia

 
 
 

IMAGES  ::  © FOX  ::  JOSE CHUNG’S FROM OUTER SPACE – UNKNOWN  ::  BAD BLOOD – CALOBEE  ::  FOLIE A DEUX – UNKNOWN  ::
Posted in CULT, CULTURE, THE UNEXPLAINED | Tagged , , , , , | Leave a comment

 

The World Woke Weeping

 

 

 

THE WORLD WOKE WEEPING

The World Woke Weeping

 
 

David Bowie…

Brokenhearted but blessed for the beauty and brilliance you selflessly gave us…

There are no words…

Except thank you…

 
 

The World Woke Weeping


 
 

The World Woke Weeping


 
 
 

::  DAVID BOWIE – BLACKSTAR  ::

 
 
 

The World Woke Weeping


 
 

The World Woke Weeping


 
 
 

::  DAVID BOWIE – HEROES  ::

 
 
 

The World Woke Weeping


 
 

The World Woke Weeping


 
 
 

::  DAVID BOWIE – LIFE ON MARS  ::

 
 
 

The World Woke Weeping

 

 

The World Woke Weeping

 

 

The World Woke Weeping

DAVID BOWIE
JANUARY 8, 1947 – JANUARY 11, 2016
 
THANK YOU FOR CHANGING THE WORLD FOR THE BETTER.
YOU ARE FOREVER LOVED.

 

 

 

Kisses & Chaos from Ground Control,
Alli Woods Frederick

 
 

“OH I’LL BE FREE
JUST LIKE THAT BLUEBIRD
OH I’LL BE FREE
AIN’T THAT JUST LIKE ME…”
– DAVID BOWIE, ‘LAZARUS

 

Posted in INSPIRE, LIFE, PEOPLE | Tagged , , , | Leave a comment

 

 

HAPPY NEW YEAR FROM KISSES AND CHAOS!

 

HERE’S A COUNTDOWN TO AWESOME.

A Countdown to Awesome

 

 

Let’s ring in 2016 together with love, laughter and joy as we embrace the possibilities that the new year brings.  If 2015 kicked your ass the way it kicked mine (over and over and over…) then let’s raise a glass and toast to a bigger, brighter, bolder and more beautiful 2016, filled with every good thing your heart and soul can imagine.

 
 

YOU DESERVE IT, BABY!
(WE ALL DO!)

A Countdown to Awesome


 
 

HAPPIEST OF HAPPY NEW YEARS!

Love to each and every one of you for your love and support over the past five years.  You are truly part of my family, our twisted little collective of weirdos and I wouldn’t trade a single one of you for anything in the whole wide world.  I love your guts, my sweet boils and ghouls.  Always have.  Always will.  I can’t wait to see what kookiness and odd adventures we get up to in 2016.  See you on the other side, loves!  Muwha!

 
 

Midnight Kisses & Good Old Fashioned Chaos,
Alli Woods Frederick

 
 

A VERY IMPORTANT PS: MEMBERS OF KISS & TELL™ WILL BE RECEIVING A VERY SPECIAL EMAIL WITH A VERY SPECIAL SURPRISE ON JANUARY 2ND.  IF YOU HAVEN’T SUBSCRIBED YET, NOW’S YOUR CHANCE.  DON’T MISS OUT ON THE NEW YEAR’S GOODNESS THAT WILL BE WAITING FOR YOU IN YOUR INBOX.  SIGN UP FOR KISS & TELL NOW – IT’S FREE AND IT’S FUN – AND KEEP YOUR EYES PEELED ON YOUR INBOX ON JANUARY 2ND.  YOU DON’T WANT TO MISS THIS. *WINK*

 
 

IMAGES  ::  © ALLI WOODS FREDERICK.  ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.  DO NOT USE THEM ANYWHERE FOR ANY REASON WITHOUT EXPRESS WRITTEN PERMISSION FROM YOURS TRULY.  JUST WRITE AND ASK.  I DON’T BITE…USUALLY.  *EVIL GRIN*  ::
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5 Magical Things Hiding In Your Kitchen

 

 

If you’re anything like me, when it comes to cooking and the kitchen you always have good intentions and plan to learn to cook – I mean really cook.  So you fill your kitchen with all the basic supplies plus a few fun, exotic extras to spice things up, but when push comes to shove the thought of cooking, of spending that much time and energy into a few moments of food is just…meh. *shrugs*

 

I’VE COME TO ACCEPT THE FACT THAT I AM AND NEVER WILL BE A COOK OR A FOODIE

 

(though I can bake like a mofo).  I am a grazer.  I eat here and there when I’m hungry and dislike being tied down to a schedule where I have to sit down and eat whether I’m hungry or not.  Not to mention it’s really time consuming for something I don’t get all that excited about.

Beverages?  I’m all over them.  I could drink weird teas, juices, fermented concoctions, odd flavored soda and the like all day and be completely content.  But food?  Unless we’re talking avocado rolls, Cuban beans and rice or paneer tikka masala with some fresh naan then I’m pretty indifferent towards it.

 
 

BUT THERE WAS ONE UNEXPECTED PERK TO MY SHORT-LIVED “I MUST COOK” PHASE…
AND THAT’S HERBS AND SPICES.

5 Magical Things Hiding In Your Kitchen


 
 

What the hell is so unexpected and special about herbs and spices, you ask?  What purpose could they possibly serve if my desire and ability to cook is equal to a grub worm’s desire and ability to paint a masterpiece (at least I’m assuming.  I’m not a grub worm, nor do I claim to be one or know the inner machinations of their grub worm minds and souls, so for all I know grub worms do aspire to be our world’s greatest artists and if that’s the case, my apologies to all grub worms)?  In one word: witchy goodness.  Yup.  And there’s nary an eye of newt or toe of frog to be seen.

Curious?  Well then here are…

 
 

5 MAGICAL THINGS HIDING IN YOUR KITCHEN RIGHT NOW

5 Magical Things Hiding In Your Kitchen


 
 
 

1)  BAY LAURAL LEAVES** FOR PROTECTION

5 Magical Things Hiding In Your Kitchen


 
 

Place one bay laurel leaf** in each corner of every room of your house.  For personal protection carry bay leaves in your pocket, purse or in a blue or red colored mojo bag.

 
 

**EXTREMELY IMPORTANT NOTEBAY LAUREL LEAVE ARE HIGHLY TOXIC TO DOGS AND CATS AND LIKELY OTHER PETS.  IF YOU HAVE PETS EITHER FIND A NON-TOXIC ALTERNATIVE OR MAKE SURE THEY ARE 100% SECURE AND 100% OUT OF REACH OF YOUR LITTLE FURBALL.  PERSONALLY, I WOULDN’T RISK IT AND WOULD FIND AN ALTERNATIVE.  PETS CAN BE CRAFTY AND IF THEY DECIDE THEY WANT IT THEY’LL FIND A WAY TO GET IT AND NO ONE WANTS TO ACCIDENTALLY POISON THEIR PRECIOUS LITTLE FURBABY.  SO PLEASE, BE SMART FOR YOUR LITTLE CRITTER’S SAKE AND SAFETY.

 
 
 

2)  FOOD COLORING AND WATER FOR JUST ABOUT EVERYTHING

5 Magical Things Hiding In Your Kitchen


 
 

Fill a clear glass bottle with water.  Choose a color of food coloring that corresponds to your desire/goal (you can find a list of color associations here) and add it to the water, tinting it accordingly.  Place the bottle of colored water in the sun for at least one hour, allowing the sun to charge it.  Once the water is done charging drink the water while focusing on your goal or desired outcome.

For extra POW! write your desire on a piece of paper and tape it to the outside of the bottle.  Meditate and visualize your desire as you hold the bottle of water (do this before placing it in the sun and drinking it).  Why the hell would you do this?  The meditation/prayer/intention/visualization alters the water according to the research of Dr. Masaru Emoto .

You can use glass colored bottles instead of food coloring but you have to be 100% sure that the bottle is food and liquid safe.  Many colored glass bottles are merely decorative and contain toxic materials that are unsafe to use for food and liquids.  If you aren’t sure, err on the side of caution and use the clear glass and food coloring method.  No wish is worth dying (or having liver failure) for, is it?  Food coloring is definitely your safest option.

 
 
 

3)  GINGER ROOT FOR MONEY AND PROSPERITY

5 Magical Things Hiding In Your Kitchen


 
 

Need a really simple way to attract money?   Sprinkle a little powdered ginger in your pockets and/or your purse to help increase the chances of improving your finances.

 
 
 

4)  CHAMOMILE FOR PROTECTION OF NEWBORNS

5 Magical Things Hiding In Your Kitchen


 
 

Have an infant or little one you want to protect?  Try chamomile.  The original spell calls for you to hang bundles of chamomile over the baby’s crib.  Since most of us don’t have chamomile just hanging out, growing around our yard, try your pantry.  Make blue mojo bags filled with dried chamomile and hang them very securely (far, far, far out of reach of little hands and fingers) above the crib.

 
 
 

5)  BASIL, CINNAMON AND/OR CLOVES FOR LOVE

5 Magical Things Hiding In Your Kitchen


 
 

While I advise against casting love spells with a particular person in mind (it’s bad karma and unethical to try and compel someone to have feelings for you against their will.   Would you want someone even contemplating f*cking with your heart and free will that way?  Yeah…not so much) but I absolutely think there is nothing wrong with trying to attract love (in general) into your life, whether for a fling or for life.  So…

 
 

CREATE A LOVE MOJO BAG AND FILL IT WITH LOVE DRAWING AND AMPLIFYING ITEMS AND HERBS.

 
 

Place things like cinnamon, cloves, rose petals, rose quartz, garnet or a piece of copper (the metal of Venus/Aphrodite who you definitely want to help you out…and by the way, pennies no longer have substantial amount of copper (unless they were minted prior to 1982) in them so while they’re technically copper, I’d go for something more pure like, oh…I don’t know…a piece of actual copper but a penny will work on a technicality) in a pink or red pouch (satin is always good) and keep it on your person every day – especially Fridays (also a good day to create your mojo bag) since Fridays are the best day for love spells.

 
 

NOT SURE YOU BELIEVE IN SUCH HOCUS POCUS?

5 Magical Things Hiding In Your Kitchen


 
 

Well if you believe in the law of attraction, this is really no different.  It’s merely a way to focus that power of positivity, the creative visualization by providing a physical object to associate and serve as a reminder and point of focus.  At least that’s one way to look at it.

Others believe that the spices and herbs and colors and rituals have power unto themselves and when combined with the power of intention reality is directly affected.

And some of you will never look at it as anything more than a big ol’ pile of bullshit, in which case none of it will ever work – and that’s 100% perfectly a-okay.

So take what you need, believe what you choose, but remember…the next time you’re feeling more than a little uneasy or having a streak of bad luck, grab a bay leaf from your kitchen, give it a try.  It can’t hurt (furbabies not included…remember, safety first!)…and it just might help.  Stranger (and more amazing) things have happened.

 
 

Magical Kisses & Culinary Chaos,
Alli Woods Frederick

 
 

*DISCLAIMER:  I KNOW THAT YOU WILL BUT I’M LEGALLY REQUIRED TO TELL YOU TO PLEASE USE SOME FUCKING COMMON SENSE.  NOTHING EVER REPLACES MEDICAL CARE, LEGAL ADVICE, POLICE ASSISTANCE OR OTHER PROFESSIONAL HELP.  THESE ARE NOT MIRACULOUS CURE-ALLS.  IF BEING A WITCH OR SHAMAN FIXED EVERY SINGLE PROBLEM AND MADE LIFE PERFECT THEN WITCHES WOULD RUN THE WORLD AND NEVER HAVE A SINGLE ISSUE.  THEY SURE AS HELL WOULDN’T BE/HAVE BEEN PERSECUTED AND BRUTALLY EXECUTED FOR CENTURIES (SORE SPOT FOR ME AS A REDHEAD SINCE WE WERE AUTOMATICALLY ASSUMED TO BE WITCHES, OUR FLAMING LOCKS PROOF OF CONGRESS WITH THE DEVIL, SO WE WERE TARGETED AND BURNED ALIVE, DROWNED, HUNG AND ALL THE OTHER LOVELY PUNISHMENTS THE FEAR MONGERING MISOGYNISTS BESTOWED UPON US…) IF WE COULD TRULY MASTER THE ELEMENTS AND THE WORLD WITHOUT ERROR THEN WOULD THAT HAVE EVER HAPPENED? IT’S NOT AN EXACT SCIENCE…IT’S AN ART…AND NO ART IS PERFECT.  SO USE THAT COMMON SENSE AND DON’T DO ANYTHING STUPID.  AND IF YOU’RE GOING TO DO SOMETHING SILLY (LIKE DRINK COLORED WATER INSTEAD OF SEEING A DOCTOR FOR ANEMIA OR POISON YOUR DOG WITH BAY LEAVES) THEN READ MY OFFICIAL LEGAL DISCLAIMER FIRST.  SHIT, YOU SHOULD READ IT EVEN IF YOU AREN’T GOING TO DO SOMETHING SILLY JUST SO WE’RE ALL ON THE SAME PAGE (SO TO SPEAK).  I KNOW YOU’RE ALL SMART ENOUGH TO KNOW BETTER, BUT LIKE I SAID, I’M LEGALLY REQUIRED TO SAY IT.

 
 

IMAGES  ::  VIA FANATIC’S COUNTRY ATTIC  ::  KITCHEN AT OAKLEY © ALLI WOODS FREDERICK.  ALL RIGHTS RESERVED  ::  SOURCE UNKNOWN  ::  VIA LIZZY LANE FARM BOTANICALS  ::  VIA BOURBON BLOG  ::  © DISNEY HOCUS POCUS  ::
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Holiday Gifts For Weirdos and Freaks

**  NOTE: THIS POST CONTAINS SOME AFFILIATE LINKS.  THIS MEANS IF YOU MAKE A PURCHASE I WILL EARN A SMALL COMMISSION.  AS ALWAYS ALL OPINIONS, WORDS AND CONTENT ARE MINE AND MINE ALONE AND ARE NOT INFLUENCED BY ANY OUTSIDE SOURCES IN ANY WAY, SHAPE OR FORM.  THE COMPANIES AND ARTISTS I AM AFFILIATED WITH ARE ONES I PERSONALLY SHOP WITH AND BELIEVE IN, OTHERWISE THERE’S NO WAY IN HELL I WOULD SUPPORT THEM.  **

 
 

We all have those people that seem impossible to shop for.  You know the ones I’m talking about – the normal people, the Marilyns to our Munsters. They make holiday gift giving a nightmare as we brave Old Navy,  Banana Republic and Best Buy trying to find a gift they’ll love.  And if we think shopping for them is hard for us. Imagine how they must feel trying to find the perfect gift when our tastes exist so far beyond outlet mall offerings.  Many of them have no clue what to do (thus the gift cards and cash, which are fine, but hardly exciting to unwrap).

 
 

SO I’VE PUT TOGETHER THIS LIST FOR YOU TO SHARE WITH THEM.

 
 

Help them maintain their sanity.  It’s the nice thing to do.  The holidays are crazy enough without adding fuel to the yule log fire.  If they’re at a loss, send them this way.  I’ve got you covered:

 

Cat lady?  Yup…and they’re purrfect. (I couldn’t resist the awful pun…sorry.)
Bit of a kinky fetishist?  Silence!  You’ll take what you’re given and like it, you worm.
Dark and twisty?  Of course…black goes with everything.

 

You get the idea.  This is a shopping for guide for those of us who aren’t represented in Neiman’s insane Christmas Book

 
 

HOLIDAY GIFTS FOR WEIRDOS AND FREAKS

(but really, who is…right?  Although I wouldn’t mind having one of those badass popup Christian LaCroix Shaman Night Advent Calendars (that’s some frame-worthy shit right there), the World View Exploration At The Edge Of Space Experience (as close to one of my dreams as I’m likely to get (although I saw on IG that NASA is hiring astronauts.  I could be the first reiki master in space, gauging the impact of weightlessness on people’s energy.  What!  It could happen.  We’ve done weirder experiments out there than zero g reiki) – and at a measly 90 grand it’s cheaper than the next item I’m about to share…) and I know more than a few friends who would be all over The Orphan Barrel Project, which is 24 bottles of whiskey (to be fair it is really special whiskey…and it damn well better be) for a mere $125,000.)

 

…have outgrown the likes of FAO Schwartz (which I’m not entirely sure is possible), the massive tome that is the Sear’s Wish Book or any holiday ad for any store on TV, radio, online and in 99.9% of magazines.  This is a shopping guide to ease the plight of the people who are forced to love (and subsequently shop, as per our culture’s demands) for us, the adorably eccentric.

So with that in mind I now present, for the preservation of your loved ones’ sanity:

 
 

HOLIDAY GIFTS FOR WEIRDOS AND FREAKS LIKE US

Holiday Gifts For Weirdos and Freaks

::  I COULD PEE ON THIS AND OTHER POEMS BY CATS  ($12.99)  ::  LA LUNA RING  ($20)  ::  WITCH BABY ENAMEL PIN  ($8)  ::  NEVER SLEEP ENAMEL PIN  ($8)  ::  SUGAR SKULL NOTEBOOK  (£4.50)  :: SCREW ROOM SIGN ($10)  ::  BUM RUFFLE FLOWER CAGE LATEX SKIRT  ($350 CA)  ::  THE FETISH COLORING BOOK ($9.95)  ::  EARS, WHISKERS AND COCKTAILS FLASK ($29.99)  ::

 
 

Holiday Gifts For Weirdos and Freaks

::  POISON: SINISTER SPECIES WITH DEADLY CONSEQUENCES  ($19.95)  ::  STERLING SILVER CROW TALON NECKLACE  ($180)  ::  VICTORIAN STRIPED PARASOL ($36)  ::  TOKYOMILK DARK EXCESS PERFUME ($38)  ::  FIENDIES’ MINI MYSTIKAL FIRE DUST  ($15)  ::  VINTAGE LENORMAND FORTUNE-TELLING CARDS  ($17.95)  ::  STONE & VIOLET MOON PHASE SHELF*  ($155)  ::  LIME CRIME VELVETINES LIMITED EDITION TRIO  ($44)  ::  MARK RYDEN’S THE GAY 90’S  ($39.95)  ::
::NOTE:  SHELF IS EMPTY AND DOES NOT INCLUDE ANY CRYSTALS OR OTHER ITEMS  ::

 
 

Holiday Gifts For Weirdos and Freaks


 
 

So for all you Marilyn Munsters out there, thank you on behalf of all us Morticias, Lilies, Eddies, Wednesdays, Hermans and Gomezes for taking the time and effort to show us you care by buying us the weird stuff you think is creepy, odd and that you just don’t understand. We love you, too…penny loafers, khakis and all.

 
 

Creepy Kisses & Kooky Holiday Chaos,
Alli Woods Frederick

 
 

ADDITIONAL UNIQUE VENDORS, ARTISTS AND ARTISANS YOU WILL LOVE:

 

*THE OPAQUE
*CIRCUS POSTERUS
*CYBERESQUE
*THE HAUS OF CHAOS *wink*
*RAVEN EYE FORGE
*SOPHI REAPTRESS
*RANNKA
*DEAD THINGS BY KATE
*HOUSE OF WIDOW
*POISON APPLE PRINTSHOP
*ALLI WOODS FREDERICK FINE ART *wink again*
*BLACK PHOENIX ALCHEMY LAB
*MIDDLE OF BEYOND
*HYSTERIA MACHINE
*THE WITCHERY
*BOUDOIR QUEEN
*KATELAN FOISY
*ELEVENTH HOUSEWARES
*SISTERS OF THE BLACK MOON


 
 

IMAGES  ::  THE MUNSTERS © CBS  ::  © CHRISTIAN LACROIX  ::  © THE ADDAMS FAMILY  “”
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