By The Numbers

 

WELCOME to By The Numbers, the newest addition to the Useless Trivia family specifically for those of you who love numbers and statistics.  You may find some of these trivia tidbits useful…though I highly doubt it. 

 

THINK OF THESE AS THE ANTI-ICEBREAKERS…

 

…facts that range from the bizarre to the boring (with a few personal stats and opinions presented as facts thrown in just because I can), guaranteed conversation stoppers, bust them out at parties or bars and watch as people excuse themselves to freshen their drink, use the restroom, wave and give an excited smile to an imaginary ‘old friend’ on the other side of the room with a quick ‘Oh my God, is that Marcy?’ as they make a hasty retreat or any other excuse they can think of to get out of the conversation. 

You’re welcome. *wink*

 

 

BY THE NUMBERS V1.0

By The Numbers

 

~ THE NUMBER OF TIMES I’LL APOLOGIZE FOR LOVING MATT DAMON AND HIS FILMS:       0 (he’s a big ol’ ball of awesome.)

 

~  THE NUMBER OF TIMES YOU’LL HEAR ME SAY “I REALLY LIKE THAT BEN AFFLECK MOVIE:”       0

 

~  THE NUMBER OF PROFANITIES, APPROXIMATELY, THE AVERAGE F*CKING PERSON IN THE ENGLISH-SPEAKING WORLD USES  DURING ONE DAY:     80 – 90

 

~  THE NUMBER OF TIMES I CURSE DURING/AFTER AN AVERAGE DAY SPENT WITH CERTAIN MEMBERS OF MY EXTENDED FAMILY:       673 (give or take)

 

~  THE NUMBER OF TIMES THE WIZARD OF OZ WAS AIRED ON AMERICAN TELEVISION BETWEEN 1959  AND 1991:        33 

 

~  THE NUMBER OF WESTERN BLACK RHINOS LEFT IN THE WORLD:        0

 

~  THE NUMBER OF TIMES THE WORD ‘F*CK’ NEEDS TO BE USED IN A SINGLE CONVERSATION TO BEGIN TO ADEQUATELY CONVEY HOW F*CKED UP IT IS THAT WESTERN BLACK RHINOS BECAME EXTINCT DURING OUR LIFETIME AND WE COULD HAVE PREVENTED IT:       63 (at the very, very, very least)

 

~  THE NUMBER OF PEOPLE WHO DIE, ON AVERAGE, AROUND THE WORLD ON ANY GIVEN DAY:       153,000

 

~  THE NUMBER OF PEOPLE WHO ARE BORN, ON AVERAGE, AROUND THE WORLD ON ANY GIVEN DAY:       361,481

 

 

By The Numbers

 

~  THE NUMBER OF DANCERS IN THE AMERICAN BALLET THEATRE IN 2015:      84

  • 16 Principals

  • 9 Soloists

  • 59  Corps de Ballet   

 

~  THE NUMBER OF SECONDS IN A DECADE (ASSUMING THERE ARE ONLY TWO LEAP YEARS THAT DECADE):       315,532,800

 

~ THE NUMBER OF HOMES/APARTMENTS/CARS/VANS/TENTS I’VE LIVED IN DURING THE COURSE OF MY LIFE (SO FAR):       24

 

~  THE NUMBER OF HAUNTED HOUSES I’VE LIVED IN DURING THE COURSE OF MY LIFE (SO FAR):       7

 

~  THE NUMBER OF ROOMMATES I’VE HAD:       37

(GIVE OR TAKE – I LIVED IN A SMALL ARTIST/PUNK/HIPPIE COMMUNE/SQUAT IN A WAREHOUSE IN AUSTIN FOR A WHILE (INFORMALLY KNOWN AS THE C.H.U.R.C.H. WHICH TURNED OUT TO BE A SLOW SPIRAL INTO THE BOWELS OF HELL, BUT THAT’S ANOTHER STORY ENTIRELY) AS WELL AS A THREE STORY PUNK HOUSE SEVERAL YEARS LATER AND IT WAS HARD TO KEEP TRACK OF EXACTLY HOW MANY WERE LIVING IN EITHER HOME AT ANY ONE TIME, BUT IT DOES EXCLUDE PEOPLE WHO WERE JUST PASSING THROUGH AND/OR HEAD LICE HOUSEGUESTS (THE ONES WHO JUST WON’T GO AWAY).  REGARDLESS IT HAS BEEN ROUGHLY 37 PEOPLE.)

 

 

By The Numbers

 

~  THE NUMBER OF CREEPY/CRAZY ROOMMATES I’VE LIVED WITH (INCLUDING ONE CONVICTED MURDERER I WAS PAIRED WITH COURTESY OF UT AUSTIN’S HOUSING DEPARTMENT…GOTTA LOVE DORM LIFE…)  WHO THE VAST MAJORITY OF PEOPLE WOULD FIND MUCH, MUCH SCARIER TO SHARE LIVING QUARTERS WITH THAN A GHOST:       7

 

~  THE NUMBER OF TIMES THE F-BOMB IS DROPPED IN THE 2013 FILM ‘THE WOLF OF WALL STREET’:      569

 

~  THE NUMBER OF TIMES EDDIE MURPHY DROPS THE F-BOMB IN ‘EDDIE MURPHY RAW’:       223

 

~  THE NUMBER OF ACTIVE SERIAL KILLERS OPERATING WITHIN THE UNITED STATES AT ANY GIVEN TIME (A CONSERVATIVE ESTIMATE, ACCORDING TO THE FBI):       30 – 50

 

~  THE NUMBER OF TIMES THE WORDS “THE NUMBER” ARE USED IN THIS POST:       23

 

 

Kisses & Chaos,
Alli Woods Frederick

 

IMAGES  ::  PINTEREST  ::  THE INFORMANT  ::  RENATA PAVAM FOR AMERICAN BALLET THEATRE  ::  VIA PSU  ::

 
 

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Not Cut Out For A Cubicle

 

WHEN you decide to pursue a less traditional career path such as…oh…I don’t know…say art, writing and/or reiki/intuitive services just for example’s sake, there will always be people out there who don’t think you have a chance in hell at succeeding or surviving in living anything other than a “traditional” life.

 

“What about retirement, 401Ks and job security?”

(as though that’s a real thing. The only job security is in mortuary services because you never run out of customers.)

 

They tell you to get a “real” job because they worry about how you’ll make ends meet. They worry that you’ll be impoverished and destitute. That your teeth will fall out because you can’t afford toothpaste. After all, who do you think you are to live in a way that makes you happy? What makes you so damn special? In short…

 
 

THEY HAVE NO FAITH IN YOUR DREAMS OR ABILITIES…

dickens-dream

 

…and it’s all because you have opted to pursue a life outside the norm. They think you should settle (although they’d never call it that). That their paradigm of practicality (which our economic climate and unemployment rates have established as an illusion) is somehow better or safer than you choosing to never giving up on your dreams, despite the insane number of setbacks and enough kicks to the teeth to make hockey players’ pearly whites look like dental perfection because…

 
 

YOU LITERALLY CAN’T IMAGINE LIVING LIFE ANY OTHER WAY.

life-without-art-vian

 

If you are pursuing a less traditional life or career path then I’m betting you have had at least one very concerned conversation about “your future” with someone who loves you (and others who just like to get in your business).

While they don’t view these conversations as harmful to your psyche, ego or self-confidence (all of which are needed intact (well…maybe not the psyche since all artists are a little out there in one way or another) to have the courage to pursue such lives) they, in fact, are. And you know what…

 
 

IT SUCKS TO BE UNDERMINED IN THE NAME OF “BEST INTERESTS” AND CONCERN.

Not Cut Out For A Cubicle

 

IT HAS HAPPENED TO YOU AND IT HAS HAPPENED TO ME.

 

I worked retail jobs out the ass peddling everything from beautiful pottery made by one of the most amazing potters in the country (love you, Xavier) to managing a piercing salon/punk clothing boutique to selling bongs and sex toys in a head shop (sorry, Mom) – some gigs were good and some were the stuff of urban legend (like the illustrator I worked for who wouldn’t let me leave for five minutes to go get a tampon. You can imagine how that argument went).

But those were before I became a massage therapist and reiki master, opened my own practice and learned the absolute joy and peace (and totally-worth-it stress) of being my own boss.

 

Not Cut Out For A Cubicle

 

As an only child and a free spirited rebellious introvert (yes, such beings do exist) I do not work well with others (creative collaborations being the exception – those I freakin’ love *if you’re interested in one, hit me up*) and tend to have issues with authority when the authority in question is inept and has their head up their ass.

 

ON MORE THAN ONE OCCASION I CALLED FORMER BOSSES INTO THEIR OFFICES TO DISCUSS MY PROBLEMS WITH THEIR BEHAVIOR.

 

I don’t care if you sign my paycheck, no amount of money is worth being publicly humiliated. (To be fair, they were total asshats who had zero people skills. And yes, I got fired each time but it was soooo worth it.)

Naturally when my concerned loved ones begin suggesting I get an ulcer-inducing office job just because my finances start to tightrope walk drunk without a net, I get super-irked.

Having had one horrible, miserable, soul-sucking, mind-numbing, kill-me-now desk job at what I can only describe as a daily visit through Dante’s nine circles of hell, I never EVER want to have another one never EVER again.

 

dante-in-hell-gustave-dore

 

That job made me want to eat a bullet every time my alarm went off in the morning. I know some of you do office work and love it and I’m happy that you’re happy. We all have different talents and different skills and different ways of living and enjoying life. But I am simply not cut out for the corporate cubicle world. I would have eventually become a rampage shooter had I stayed there.

 
 

DOES ANY OF THIS SOUND FAMILIAR TO YOU? ARE YOU STARTING TO LOST IT JUST THINKING ABOUT GOING BACK TO WORK MONDAY?

Not Cut Out For A Cubicle
 

If so then I suspect being a member of the cubicle club isn’t for you either. Or maybe you are testing the waters and aren’t sure if corporate culture is where you belong; you have days you love and days you loathe while on the clock. Well I’m here to help you figure it out, one way or the other. Here is my list of…

 
 

10 WAYS TO KNOW YOU’RE NOT CUT OUT FOR A CUBICLE

 
 

1) WHEN YOUR CLOTHES FEEL LIKE THE NYLON EQUIVALENT OF A MEDIEVAL TORTURE DEVICE

:: VIDEO: CLAIRE SINGS ABOUT THE MISERY OF PANTYHOSE ::

 
 
 

2) THE MERE THOUGHT OF GOING TO WORK MAKES YOU FEEL LIKE THIS

Not Cut Out For A Cubicle
 
 
 

3) WHEN THIS IS HOW CLOCKING IN FEELS EACH MORNING

5 Ways To know You’re Not Cut Out For A Cubicle
 
 
 

4) WHEN YOU REALIZE YOUR NUMBER OF WRINKLES ARE DIRECTLY PROPORTIONATE TO YOUR NUMBER OF WORK EMAILS

5 Ways To know You’re Not Cut Out For A Cubicle
 
 
 

5) WHEN THE WORDS “TEAM MEETING” MAKE YOUR HEAD SPIN

5 Ways To know You’re Not Cut Out For A Cubicle
 
 
 

6) WHEN YOU REALIZE EXACTLY HOW YOU SPEND 8 HOURS OF YOUR DAY, 5 DAYS A WEEK…

Office space animated gif 1

Office space animated gif 2
 
 
 

7) …AND THAT SPENDING YOUR LIFE THAT WAY IS DRIVING YOU INSANE.

black books animated gif
 
 
 

8) WHICH MAKES YOU FANTASIZE ABOUT BLOWING UP THE ENTIRE F’ING OFFICE

iron man animated gif
 
 
 

9) THEN YOU REALIZE HOW HARD IT IS TO GET A HOLD OF A THERMONUCLEAR DEVICE AND BEGIN TO CONSIDER OTHER WAYS TO DEAL WITH THE STRESS & BULLSH*T

trainspotting animated gif
 
 
 

10) BUT THEN YOU REMEMBER YOU’RE AFRAID OF NEEDLES SO YOU THINK ABOUT QUITTING WHICH MAKES YOU FEEL LIKE THIS:

black books jump for joy animated gif
 

If any or all of these thoughts and feelings occur to you as you sit in your cubicle drowning as the emails flood your inbox; if Susan coming by and asking you to sign a birthday card and chip in for cake and a present for Maggie, who you’ve never met and don’t honestly give two sh*ts about makes option number eight seem brilliant to the point that you start searching Ebay for a used copy of The Anarchist Cookbook then this list is for you.

You, my dear, need to start considering a change of venue because this cubicle stuff isn’t your cup of tea.

Save your sanity and start the job hunt now…or scare the crap out of your family and follow your real passion – like juggling knives and chainsaws in the circus.

But whether you stay or go just make sure of one thing…just make sure you’re happy. Don’t settle. You deserve to be happy…even if it means being unsure of your next steps, of not being “secure” and being scared and totally freaking out sometimes (because that will happen if you go your own way – it’s normal).

 

WHATEVER YOU DO, JUST BE HAPPY.

 
 

Kisses & Chaos,
Alli Woods Frederick

 
 

PS – If you love working in your office and love your job but your coworkers make you more than a little nuts, then make sure to read my article on how to survive and thrive in the corporate workplace. If you love your work, don’t let others make you miserable and rob you of that happiness.

 
 

IMAGES :: DICKENS DREAM – R.S. BUSS :: LIFE WITHOUT ART – VIAN :: ALTERED BY YOURS TRULY, ALLI WOODS FREDERICK :: UNKNOWN :: DANTE AND VIRGIL TRAVERSING COCYTUS – GUSTAVE DORE :: UNKNOWN :: UNKNOWN :: BEETLEJUICE :: DEAD LIKE ME :: BRUCE ALMIGHTY :: EXORCIST VIA POPSUGAR :: OFFICE SPACE :: BLACK BOOKS :: IRON MAN :: TRAINSPOTTING :: BLACK BOOKS ::

 

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WORDLESS WEDNESDAY:
HIDING BEHIND MASKS

 

 
 

 
 

 
 

 
 

 
 
Hiding Behind Masks
 
 

 
 

 
 
Hiding Behind Masks
 
 

 
 

 
 

 
 

Kisses & Chaos,
Alli Woods Frederick

 
 

IMAGES  ::  MASK – JAREK KUBICKI  ::  INTUITION – KATE MALDONADO  ::  MASK – MERVE OZTEMEL  ::  MASK – A.T. VELAZCO  ::  MUERTOS MASK – TONY HANCOCK  ::  THE MAKS WE WEAR – ALLI WOODS FREDERICK  ::  SPEAKER – SIMON LEWIS  ::  8 – DARIA KIRILLOVA  ::  RABBIT MASK – ANNELI AKINDE  ::  RABBIT IN YOUR HEADLIGHTS – IOANA MOLDOVAN  ::  HORSE AND I – ELLE MOSS  ::  RED CURTAINS – BLACKANTLERS  ::

 
 

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Dark And Twisty Tuesday

 

 

SINCE yesterday was a holiday here in The States (Martin Luther King, Jr. Day) that makes today, at least when it comes to the work week, a Monday.  And since Words of Wisdom posts are always on Mondays, it makes it okay to post it today instead of yesterday.  But instead of our traditional pretty and/or inspiring Words of Wisdom we’re going to try a different, more dark humored variation henceforth to be known as…

DARK AND TWISTY TUESDAY

(ENJOY)

 
 

Dark And Twisty Tuesday
 

Ha!  When my friend Madeleine posted this on Facebook over the weekend I laughed so hard I almost fell out of my chair.  I simply had to share it…

And on that uplifting note, I wish you all a dark and twisty Tuesday, my dears.  Muwha!

 
 

Dark Kisses & Twisted Chaos,
Alli Woods Frederick

 
 

IMAGE  ::  I WISH I KNEW SO I COULD TELL THEM I LOVE THEM, BUT I DON’T SO I CAN’T.  SOURCE UNKNOWN  ::

 

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dream more

 

I’m pretty sure I have the sleeping less down (sporadic insomnia for a couple of years now…good times) but I’m always working on the…

 

DREAMING MORE

 

Dreaming More

 

…and shouldn’t we all be? Don’t you think?

 
 

Kisses & Chaos,
Alli Woods Frederick

 
 

IMAGE  ::  DREAM MORE – MDEMILAN  ::
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