SO YOU WANT to travel through time, eh? Yeah, don’t we all? I hate to be the bearer of bad news but much like everything else in life there are rules to time travel. Yes, rules. After all, we can’t have people running around all willy nilly destroying time lines and unraveling the fabric of time and space, so do the universe a favor and follow these 5 rules for traveling through time.
WHETHER YOU TRAVEL by TARDIS, DeLorean or telephone booth you must abide by these rules. Deviation from them could have dire consequences for our entire way of life. So unless you’re The Doctor or a TARDIS and can see all of time and space then I suggest you leave time manipulation to the experts, err on the side of safety and follow these 5 basic rules of time travel.
1) KEEP YOUR HANDS TO YOURSELF
SO YOU’VE DECIDED to go back to the beginning of it all and check out the birth of life on Earth. You’re bound and determined to answer the evolution versus creationism debate once and for all. If it happens that science is right, we’re just some freakishly random cosmic accident and you find vast puddles of primordial ooze dotting the planet do me a favor:
Don’t stick your finger in it.
THE LAST THING we need is you effing up evolution by screwing with the goop that we crawled out of. That would make you the Genghis Kahn of the single celled organism (the exceptionally horny ruler spread his seed so far and wide that an estimated 16 million people on earth at this very moment are his descendants). Mess with the ooze and you’re messing with the entire history of life on earth. Not Cool.
2) TALK THE TALK
YOU WOULDN’T travel to Spain without learning a little conversational Spanish and traveling through time is no different.
Know your vernacular.
IF YOU show up in Europe during the 1600’s using slang from the 2000’s you’re going to have a hard time fitting in. And not fitting in during the 1600’s in Europe was a dangerous thing. Feel like being the subject of a witch hunt? I don’t know about you but being burned at the stake isn’t my idea of a good time and I doubt it’s your either.
3) SAFETY FIRST
I’M SURE it goes without saying that you need to keep your head and arms inside the time machine at all times. This is safety 101, poeple. If you want to keep all your parts firmly attached to your body then keep those puppies inside the machine until you’ve come to a complete stop.
4) KEEP YOUR PANTS ON
I KNOW it’s hard to keep your hands off the handsome (albeit slightly smelly) lord/lady you met in the queen’s court but do you really want to go there? What if she turns out to be your Great Great Great Great however-many-Greats Aunt? There’s a chance you may wind up being your own Great Great Great Great however-many-Greats Uncle. Allow me to illustrate my point with this clip from Futurama where Fry makes this very tragic (and insanely disturbing) mistake.
5) YOU CAN’T GO HOME AGAIN
THE OLD ADAGE is true…especially when dealing with time travel. We’ve all done things we’d do differently if we had the chance. The temptation to “fix” the bad decisions we’ve made, to prevent the heartbreaks, to change our lives for the better is HUGE, but don’t be fooled. You never want to tamper with your timeline. Making even the smallest change can permanently impact your life and the lives of those around you in very profound and possibly negative ways.
THINK I’M KIDDING? Let’s say there was a day that you were running late for work because your alarm didn’t go off due to a power outage. You arrive 25 minutes late and are fired on the spot. This was your dream job and losing it devastated you. You also got evicted because you fell behind in rent while job hunting. Clearly not the best day, and it’s one you always wished you could do over…and now you can.
YOU GO BACK to that fateful day and call yourself on the phone. The phone call wakes you up and, realizing your power was out, thank the fates for sending you that phone call so you wouldn’t be late for work. You get ready and are out the door…right on time. As you exit the highway a mile from your work a 16 year old in his ‘86 Buick comes zooming down the access road at 75 mph. He doesn’t even see you. You’re killed instantly…and all because you thought losing that job ruined your life.
See what I mean? No tampering with your own timeline. You don’t want to find out the hard way that you were better off the first time around.
SO THERE you have it – five of the most basic rules of time travel. And remember would be chrononauts, when it doubt, it’s always better to be safe than sorry.
Kisses & Chaos,
Alli Woods Frederick
images :: via timetank :: doctor who meets bill and ted :: seascape – ben horne :: antique dictionary pages :: safety first – carry the banner :: diesel.com :: grey gardens :: via gizmodo.com.au ::
