I HAVE TO COME CLEAN. I’m not getting any younger. Shocking, I know, but it’s true. Not even I can avoid becoming time’s bitch.
I have always been a late bloomer by society’s standards, living my life at the pace The Universe chose, and feeling a bit like Peter Pan with how it’s all played out thus far. But I have to admit that, as much as I hate thinking about it, time is going to catch up with me very soon.
ENTER BIOLOGICAL CLOCK, STAGE LEFT.
The simple fact of the matter is that my eggs and the hormones they bring are going to take their final curtain call sooner rather than later, which means I’m actually going to have to get off my ass and make a decision within the next couple of years. I hate making decisions.
I ALWAYS THOUGHT I’D HAVE A CHILD “SOMEDAY.”
Funny how somedays work. They remind me of that scene in Poltergeist with the mom in the hallway and the door gets farther & farther away as she tries to reach it. What seems so close in our youth seems to move farther away the older we get until someday eventually becomes never…and all because we waited for “someday.”
So what’s the big deal? Just have a baby if you want one so damn bad…
WELL THE THING IS I’M NOT SURE IF I WANT ONE. You see, I’m not a fan of babies. It’s not that I dislike them, it’s just that I’ve never spent any time around any. I’ve never seen one grow from a drooling, screaming poop machine into an honest to goodness walking, talking, thinks for itself little human. They’re alien to me.
IN ALL HONESTY THE WHOLE IDEA FREAKS ME OUT. Something is in there, moving around, living inside you. That in and of itself seems weird. I’ve seen the Alien movies and when I think about a baby kicking and rolling around in there that’s what I envision. But that’s not all…
THERE ARE MY MIGRAINES. I get horrific tension migraines. Even with medication I’m sometimes laid up for days at a time with pain so severe it makes me sick to my stomach. What triggers my tension migraines? Pfffft. What doesn’t. Stress, bad posture, work, crying and…hormones. I’m scared to death that pregnancy hormones will cause my migraines to run rampant…which wouldn’t be so bad if I could take my pills. But my medications shouldn’t be taken while pregnant. So my options are to live in excruciating pain or possibly give my baby birth defects. That sounds fun.
DID I MENTION I’M SELFISH? I honestly think I might be too selfish to be a mom. There are a billion and one things I wanted to do before I popped out a wee one…like finish traveling the world. Or becoming an established actress, singer, dancer, writer and artist. Okay. So the world travel’s not likely to happen within the next couple of years & the life of fame & fortune isn’t likely to happen…well…EVER, so I suppose those shouldn’t really be deciding factors. But my point remains. I’m not sure I’m selfless enough.
I LIKE ATTENTION. I like a lot of attention. I like nice furniture with pointy corners. I like impractical shoes and piling on jewelry and not being awakened every 4 hours by someone crying because they’re hungry. I also gag when I encounter any and all things poop related. I’m not a fan of my own bodily fluids and functions, let alone someone else’s.
BUT ON THE OTHER HAND…
I THINK I MIGHT ACTUALLY BE GOOD AT IT…apart from the whole selfish thing. I think I’m a pretty good step-mom. I love the girls to bits. I get along well with them. We have fun. At least I think we do…the girls might feel differently. My mom drank my pet sea monkeys when I was 5 and I’ve never done anything that bad as a step-mom (not yet at least) so I think I might do an okay job with the whole parenting thing.
I ALSO SUSPECT OUR CHILD COULD BE THE NEXT EINSTEIN…or Ted Bundy…genius is a tricky thing. It could go either way.
But in all seriousness, I’m worried that I wouldn’t like it. And lets face it, a kid isn’t a pair of shoes you can return because they’re unbearably painful or you changed your mind. Once you’re a parent, you’re a parent. That’s it. You can’t quit and it never ends. That’s some serious commitment, especially when you don’t know if it will suit you.
It’s scary, plain and simple.
Should I have a baby? I have no idea right now. But whether I like it or not, I’m going to have to make a decision, one way or another.
So what do you think? Have you had thoughts like mine or am I just monster?
Kisses & Chaos,
Alli Woods Frederick
images :: kat & andy – hilary charlotte :: via gal’s corner :: via dark roasted blend :: via the society pages :: from vogue, sept. 2010 :: via mommas pearls ::
