You see each other across a crowded room.  Your eyes lock.  You smile.  He walks over.  You flirt awkwardly all night.  Your weird and geeky charms do the trick.  You nail it.  And now he’s asking you out on a real live actual date.  You say you’d love to.  Your elation is quickly replaced by panic as you realize precisely what’s just happened:

YOU HAVE A DATE…A NOTORIOUSLY AWKWARD FIRST DATE

We’ve all been there.  First dates are always a little awkward at best and crawl-out-the-bathroom-window-at-the-first-opportunity at worst.  Even if you’re soulmates there are bound to be a few uncomfortable moments.  But there are a few things you can avoid to make the evening go more smoothly.

Here are 5 things not to do on a first date

1) DON’T TEXT & DATE

Do I really need to tell you why this makes a horrible impression?  It’s your first date.  Your attention should be focused on each other, not your phones.  Texting, surfing youtube & using Facebook on a date makes you look like a self-absorbed jackass.  If you actually ARE a self-absorbed jackass, then by all means go right ahead.  If you aren’t then just turn the phone off and leave it in your purse.

I know it’s tempting to update your friends while he’s in the bathroom, but it really can wait.  Swear to god.

2) DON’T ORDER ANYTHING WITH BROCCOLI

The night is over.  He walks you to your door (what a gentleman!  swoon!).  He, being said gentleman, goes in for a hug instead of a kiss.  He gives you a gentle squeeze and you let one rip.  Thank you, broccoli, for helping end the evening with a heaping helping of humiliation.

Broccoli makes people gassy.  This is a fact.  You could pop some beano before the date or if you’re brave you can take your chances, but for the sake of everyone involved I say pass on the broccoli salad and have something less bloat inducing instead.  You’ll thank me later…so will he.

3) DON’T TALK ABOUT YOUR CAT

I love my cat…A LOT.  I love him more than breathing.  I can go on and on and on about how amazing he is.  But I know that if I had done this on my first date with my husband there would more than likely have been no wedding bells.  Sad but true.

Society has painted women with cats as being desperately lonely and more than a little crazy.  Is this true?  No, but this doesn’t stop people from thinking it.

Sure you can say you have a cat.  You can even tell him his name.  But for the love of god don’t pull out your phone and start showing him your virtual photo album filled with hundreds of photos of your favorite little furball.  If you want to have a second date it’s a bad idea.  So save the video of you and Mr. Fluffy doing your rendition of Sonny & Cher’s “I Got You Babe” (complete with costumes) for another day.

4) DON’T’ WEAR TOO MUCH EYE MAKEUP

The smartest thing Charlie Sheen ever said was in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off.  Charlie said:

“You wear too much eye makeup.  My sister wears too much.  People think she’s a whore.”

This is the only time you’ll hear me say this but…Charlie Sheen is right.

FACT:  most men prefer women to look more natural.  It’s true.  Sure you want to look nice and make an effort.  Just tone it down a little.  There are, obviously, certain subcultures to which this standard doesn’t apply…so if you’re goth or punk then disregard this advice. But in general, less is more.

REMEMBER:  You’re going on a date, not to a KISS concert.

5) DON’T LET ALL YOUR WEIRD OUT AT ONCE

I know at first blush this sounds insulting but I swear it’s not.  Allow me to explain:

Brian & I’s first date was awkward (as most first dates are) complete with long pauses, stammering and shoe gazing.  Now imagine if, during that awkwardness I put all my cards on the table:

“So…I’m a cancer survivor which gave me PTSD which expresses itself as OCD & the occasional panic attack both of which I’m getting control of…I treat my cat better than I treat most people…I believe in aliens & UFOs…I used to live in a van and travel around the country working renaissance festivals…dead people talk to me…I talk to myself using foreign accents…I’m afraid of giant squid…I say hi to random animals (“Hi little birdy”)…I believe in bigfoot & The Roswell cover-up…I’m obsessed with The Monkees, Adam Ant, England, zombies & ghosts…I take the day off when a Bob Hope marathon comes on Turner Classic Movies…I’ve seen a freakishly large number of people set their faces on fire…my college roommate was arrested for murdering her father…I only allow non-toxic cleaners in my home…I am a massive sci-fi geek & I craft like a woman possessed.”

And that’s just the tip of the weird-o iceberg.  Imagine if I had bombarded him with all that info from the get go?  He would have run for the hills.  It would have been overwhelming!  I’m not saying you should hide who you are.  Hell no.  What I am saying is that you shouldn’t beat him over the head with all your adorable & odd little quirks.

Throwing them all out there at once makes you sound crazy.  Getting to know you and learning about your eccentricities a few at a time makes you (and all that weirdness) endearing.

So what about you?
Do you have any first date advice?
What are your dos and don’ts?
Do you have a first date horror story?
Do tell, do tell!
And good luck on your next first date. *wink*

Kisses & Chaos,

Alli Woods Frederick

images ::  via photoree  ::  via tampabay.com  ::  via thecampuscompanion.com  ::  evil broccoli – ilie ciorba  ::  crazy cat lady: the early years – katie harris  ::  via scene.sg  ::  weird girls – kitty von-sometime  ::