Alright, ladies & gents, we’re going to get honest now…really honest. Some of you may want to take notes because I’m about to drop some serious knowledge on you. Think of this as your personal Bedroom 101 class. I’m going to reveal secrets – honest & raw secrets of *whispers* the bedroom. I’m going to dish the dirt on the things that REALLY drive women crazy in bed…no holds barred. This is as real as real gets, so grab your pen and paper and let’s get started, shall we?
5 Ways to Drive a Woman Crazy in Bed
Secret No. 1: Half Animal, Half Man
There is nothing quite like snuggling with the one you love. Your legs are intertwined and then you do it. You move your legs and scrape your talon-like toenails across our feet. YUCK! You are not half hawk! Cut those damn nails! We do not want to be impaled by your toes while we sleep. This is basic self-care. Invest the 3 bucks in a pair of nail clippers and use them pretty please. And while we’re on the subject of feet…
Secret No. 2: We Don’t Like It Rough
You are manly and men don’t concern themselves with having pretty feet. We get that. We really do. But toenails are just the tip of the basic foot care iceberg. Not only does it drive us batty when you rake your claws across us…we also don’t like it when you drag your dry, cracked, scaly & insanely rough heels against us either. We love to exfoliate, but not with our lovers’ feet. Next time you’re at the store, grab a pumice stone (Pumice stones are manly, aren’t they? They’re used in Lava soap, so they must be manly.) & when you’re in the shower scrub those feet! Your feet don’t need to be pretty, polished & perfect but we would appreciate the bare minimum of maintenance. It will only take you two minutes and we would be really really really grateful.
Secret No. 3: Human Plastic Wrap
Who doesn’t love a good snuggle? Seriously. Who? Even the best snuggles can turn bad when you become human plastic wrap. No matter where we move in the bed, no matter what position we sleep in you are on us in a never-ending and uncomfortable snuggle. We are the fly…you, the fly strip trapping us in a perpetual spoon. A little snuggle while falling asleep or in the morning is fantastic but when you stick to us all night it makes sleeping comfortably damn near impossible. The solution? Try a body pillow or even a teddy bear (we promise we won’t tell your buddies). They might be worth a try.
Secret No. 4: Hoarding
Some of you possess a very unique skill. Some of you, regardless of the size of the bed or the bedding, manage to hoard all of it. Give you a king size bed with king size sheets and you still manage to take up 95% of both. You are bed hoarders. This royally sucks for us ladies for obvious reasons. We don’t like clinging desperately to the edge of the bed and breaking our nails as we try to hang on to that one tiny piece of sheet that is just barely big enough to cover our asses. Sadly, I know of no solution to this issue other than late night wrestling matches (during which you never seem to wake up…or move) which accomplish very little or you making a concerted effort to be more mindful…which is damn near impossible to do while sleeping. If anyone knows of a practical solution to this problem, then please share with the rest of the class.
Secret No.5: Midnight TKO’s
Few things are more startling than being awakened out of a deep, restful sleep by someone knocking the ever-loving crap out of you. The flailing, thrashing, twisting, kicking and punching that some of you subject us to borders on abuse. What in the world are you dreaming about anyway, alligator wrestling? Were you a UFC fighter in a past life? This is no way to live. No sir. What to do about it? Restraints & straight jackets. Seriously. Of course you could always try an over the counter sleep aid. I really like Dream Water. It has melatonin & a few other amino acids in it but doesn’t give you the crazy-assed dreams that plain ol’ melatonin does. It just might do the trick (but I’d still keep those restraints handy just in case).
What drives you crazy in bed? All you men out there – feel free to chime in too!
Kisses & Chaos,
Alli Woods Frederick