I KNOW I talk about self-acceptance and positivity here on Kisses & Chaos. I know that being kind to yourself is important for your self-esteem and emotional health. I know I tell you to love yourself, to be kind to yourself and to stop being your own worst critic.
I ALSO KNOW I’m full of shit.
I AM AND ALWAYS HAVE BEEN my own worst critic, my own worst enemy – a devious, self-sabotaging, shit talking bully who is always there to tell myself all the ways I’m going to fail, fall or f*ck up.
I TRY to shut it up. I’ve tried killing it with kindness, gagging it, distracting it, deluding it, winning it over, keeping it occupied, letting it feel heard…I’ve tried everything in the world to drown it out or take its power. And the truth is…
Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t.
I STRUGGLE with it. I really really do.
I KNOW in my heart that I’m pretty alright. I also know that I’m pretty lucky. I have a loving family. I have my health. I have a roof over my head. And I get to enjoy the company of the most badass cat in the world every day while I work. But that little voice in my head tells me otherwise.
IT TELLS ME I’m going to fail. It tells me my art sucks. It tells me I’ll never be successful. It tells me I’m too old. It tells me my boobs are too small and my butt is too big. It tells me no one understands. It tells me I might as well give up on my dreams and go get a “real” job so I can pay the bills that are piling up. It tells me about all the things I’ll never do, all the places I’ll never go and all the things I’ll never experience because, no matter how smart or determined I may be, I’m simply not good enough to succeed. It tells me I’m not special enough for anyone to care. It tells me all these things and more.
THAT VOICE IN MY HEAD sucks…it sucks hard.
I KNOW it’s not all true.
I KNOW that voice lies.
I KNOW it preys on my fears.
I KNOW it’s a collection of the voices of people from my past. The people that planted their seeds of doubt, fear and failure. And I’ve allowed them to take root, to grow, to flourish and bear fruit.
I KNOW it has no real power.
AND I KNOW that just because I hear it, it doesn’t mean it’s true.
THESE ARE ALL THINGS that I know…but after 30+ years how do you break the cycle of what amounts to lifelong emotional self-abuse?
I’M NOT SURE what the solution is, but I’m going to keep trying to be kind to myself, to understand that perfection is an unattainable (and boring) goal, to treat myself with love and acceptance and to know that trying my hardest really is good enough.
I’M GOING TO KEEP TRYING because if I don’t that means my inner-asshole was right all along…and while being right is one of my favorite things, this time I’d rather be wrong.
Kisses & Chaos,
Alli Woods Frederick
images :: i’m not listening – © alli woods frederick :: hater’s gonna hate – blimipcat :: love defend respect yourself – sacred and profane ::
