LOVE IS ENOUGH.  This is what many of us believe.  That as long as there’s love a relationship can survive anything.  I wish this were true with all my heart.  If all that was needed for a relationship to survive was an endless stream of love then I would still be married because my love has never been in short supply or in question.  I have more love than I know what to do with.  My heart runneth over.  But there’s more to a successful relationship than love.

So if love wasn’t the problem then what went wrong?

SINCE MY MARRIAGE ended I’ve been asking myself this question a lot.  It’s only natural to spend time reflecting, examining the relationship, the roles we played and trying to find the chinks in the armor, the cracks in the foundation that caused the house that love built to collapse.

Where did it all go wrong?

THERE ARE so many factors that come into play which can determine whether or not a relationship survives all the trials and tribulations that life brings.  After much scrutiny and thoughtful consideration I have found a gaping hole in my marriage – a major architectural flaw and it’s no wonder we couldn’t keep the walls from falling in around us.

We had no support system.

WE WERE TRYING to build a life together without adequate support.  Everything we create in this life needs support:  buildings, websites, children and marriages.  Without solid, stable support nothing can stand.  Nothing.  Not even love.

What is the importance of support systems?

SUPPORT SYSTEMS encourage you when times are hard and help you find your footing when you slip and fall.  They tell you to knock it off when you’re being a dumbass and help you find your path when you’re lost or have gone astray.

A GOOD SOLID support system doesn’t encourage bad habits or reinforce your fears.  It doesn’t undermine you.  It doesn’t tell you your dreams are stupid or that you’ll fail.

A GOOD SOLID support system encourages you to do your best, to keep trying, to never give up.  It gives you love.  It shares your values and helps reinforce them.  It tells you can do it…and that you can do it all with the person you love by your side.  It is your family, your trusted friends, you spiritual advisor, your coven or congregation.  It is a source of love, positivity and strength in your life and your relationship.

THE MOST IMPORTANT PART of a support system is that everyone involved shares the same set of values.  If someone has been divorced 4 times and views marriage as temporary and disposable while you view it as a lifelong commitment then they might not be the best person to turn to when having marital problems.  Sure they’ve got lots of experience in the relationship department but they just don’t share your values.  Any guidance and encouragement you receive from them will more than likely not align with your beliefs and goals.  Makes sense, right?

SO BEFORE SEEKING support from someone ask yourself:

*Do they share our values?
*Do we trust them?
*Do they have our best interest at heart?
*Are they emotionally capable of encouraging and supporting us right now?

I’M NOT TRYING to blame others for what happened to my marriage…there were other factors that caused our relationship to fail but I think we would have had a far greater chance if our support system had been better.  There were too few people trying to carry too large a load and we wound up crushed by the weight.

MAKE SURE you have a good support system in place so you can build and grow relationships that are solid, that are stable and will give your love a strong, sturdy house in which to dwell.

Kisses & Chaos,
Alli Woods Frederick

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